WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX PACK PICKS - WEEK FOUR EDITION

The newest feature to the Slushie Sundays blog. Notorious fantasy sports handicapper William "The Greek" Gavin will begin each week with his predictions for every matchup.

Week 4 Predictions:

Highlighted Matchup:

Veto Corleone Vs. The Apocolypse:

Prediction: Veto Corleone. Positive Wide-receiver matchups make up for shaky RB play to give Ben his first 100 point outing of the season in a tight game. 

Taco Corp vs. Destroy Him:

Prediction:  Destroy Him. Dave’s young team cools off a bit while Dom pumps out another consistent performance with his trio of fantasy veterans. 

Sch’dy Schmeckles Vs. Prestige Worldwide:

Prediction: Prestige Worldwide. Without the deadly combination of Brady and Edelman, Chris’ team struggles for the first time this season. Meanwhile, Andrew Luck gets back to his old self, topping 30 points this week. 

Team New Year vs. Date Rape Bill Crosby:

Prediction: Date Rape Bill Crosby: Brian goes below 120 for the first time all year. Christian gets a positive contribution from Greg Olsen, but doesn’t have the firepower to keep up with Brian’s record-breaking team. 

Kissing Suzy Kolber vs. Sweet Drippins:

Prediction: Sweet Drippins: Rodgers, Lacy, and Odell perform but are not enough to make up for a balanced performance from Aarons squad of Antonio Brown, Brandon Marshall, and Tyrod Taylor , AKA T-Mobile (who scores with his feet and his arm this week).

The Upper Deckers vs. Fucking Thundercunt:

Prediction: The Upper Deckers. Josh gets a big performance from Andy Dalton, which is negated by another big game from AJ Green of Wills squad. Both teams score below 110 this week. 

Week 3 Recap: And Then There Was Two

The league is starting to come to fruition after the first three weeks. Two undefeated teams remain while two squads are winless. Brian looks as unstoppable as ever there was a defending champ and Dom continues to impress with a third straight win (playoffs?!?). One of the biggest scoring weeks in recent history had nearly every team reach triple digits, except of course yours truly. The Monday night game did not do some any favors either. Both Will and Vinnie lost on what looked to be wins that were in hand due to Randall Cobb and Jeremy Maclin. 

League heavyweights and roommates Josh and Joe each earned their first wins after completing their blockbuster trade while Aaron and Will each lost heartbreakers due to their nearly acquired players each suffering injuries. What a week it was. There is a logjam of 1-2 teams right and 5 of them were playoff teams last season. Aaron, Dom, Dave and Chris each have at least two wins and as I predicted once again, there is a legitimate shift in the power structure in this league. 

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Taco Corp - 195.6

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 144.7

This was the one we were waiting for people. Too bad this couldn't come later in the season and both were still undefeated but we've got it now. After days of speculation as to how either team would fare in this heavyweight matchup, it did not disappoint. Both teams traded blows to start the matchup with Joseph Randle and Devonta Freeman totaling 80 points combined to keep things relatively even. However, Brian began to pull away when Julio Jones took over the Falcons' comeback, snagging two TD grabs which counts as double when Matty Ice is throwing them. The backbreaker was Jones catching a one yard TD from Ryan when it appeared as though Freeman may have punched it in for Dave. Steve Smith sealed it with an incredible 45-point performance as Brian is knocking on the door of rewriting the record books. It can't be understated how impressive his team looks and it just shows how much will be needed to knock him off his throne. To conclude his week, Brian had Jamaal Charles casually chip in 29 points to put him at 196 for the week, meaning that he has set the single game record for most points in a week and even with dud from the overrated, overhyped, bust Matt Jones (plz trade him to me, Bri) he rolls into Week 4 as the clear cut favorite and best team in this league. It would take either Andy Dalton or Dave Troiano to knock him off at this point. Brian's quote for the week stems from his recent criticism received by league members.

"Jesus, where do I start. It is only week three but damn I'm breaking records all across the board. Most importantly, I'd like to say fuck you Josh for telling me my team was bad. Every year, people overlook my drafting abilities. Again I say fuck you to all the haters. I will when I'm wrong though it looks like a new powerhouse has developed in Dom's team. Dom a piece of advice from a two-time champ. "Don't get too antsy at 3-0 my friend, not guaranteed a playoff spot just yet." On a real note does anyone think they can even compete with my team right now."

Well there you have it, if you were looking a word to describe Brian, modest has to be at the top of the list. #NoHaters #NoRagrets 

Alfred Morris would have NEVER fumbled.

Well, the dream season hit a small bump in the road (emphasis on small) but Dave turned in a fantastic performance in a loss to Brian. Against any other squad, he's 3-0 but unfortunatley he ran into the "HEH" buzzsaw. Dave has to be exciting about another one of his young talents going off as Devonta Freeman put up an amazing 45 points while Kendall Wright and Larry Fitzgerald combined for nearly 50. You can't count out Dave as a legitimate threat in addition to doing all of this scoring without a healthy Drew Brees and Alshon Jeffrey. When asked to assess his championship odds after a strong week, Troiano had this to say:

"We need to tweak the QB position slightly. I honestly think Helen Keller could read a defense better than Kaepernick. All in all, I couldn't be prouder of how my team performed and we're pretty banged up. Can't wait to see us at full strength."

Neither can I Dave, I have officially starting rooting for you more than my actual team. He makes a great point though. Both of his keepers aren't healthy and Dave still looks like a strong contender. He has now become a feared opponent once again and the league is better because of it.

Has Dave found a diamond in the rough with Freeman?

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Date Rape Bill Crosby over Taco Corp - 51 Points

Upset of the Week:

- Schenectady Schmeckles over Sweet Drippins - 12 Point Underdog

Most Points Scored ($10 for Week 3): 

- Date Rape Bill Crosby - 195.6 Points

Least Points Scored: 

- Prestige Worldwide - 81.5

Best Waiver Pickup: 

- Steelers D (Taco Corp) - 11 Points

When you wake up on Tuesday morning and find out you won.

Veto Corleone - 98.8

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 97

Going into the Monday night game, it looked like the Cookie Man had a layup but a huge comeback from KSK had him staring at 0-3 with Chreeyusz but with a late surge from Jeremy Maclin, he pulled off an amazing last second victory although Ben had tucked himself into bed before he realized he pulled off a late miracle. Malin scored nearly all of his 24 points in the Chiefs' comeback effort and Ben will be so thankful for his effort in garbage time. Peyton Manning (sat once again) and Demaryius looked much better on Sunday night but the question marks with CJ Anderson remain. Although the run defense of Detroit is tougher than a Drew Fahrenz shoulder workout, he couldn't hit a hole to save his life. Going forward, something needs to be done for Ben's RBs but it seems like the pairing of Peyton and Demaryius will keep him competitive every single week. When asked about his huge win, Ben said:

"In (fantasy) football you can always control the controllables. My players control how they play. I control the lineup. It's on me if I can't set a consistent lineup, and going forward 100 points will be the goal week in and week out. As a team, we're capable of big performances. I hope this win can spark us going forward."

Peyton showing how close Ben was to the ledge when staring 0-3 in the face.

After a vicious comeback for Vin, it was all gone to waste as Jeremy Maclin's garbage time performance bailed out Ben for his first win. Thank goodness for Aaron Rodgers. Only Olivia Munn and Wisconsin natives could be more grateful than Vinnie is for having #12 on his squad. In what looked like another loss with an extremely poor performance from his supporting cast, Rodgers dialed up 45 points with Lacy chipping in enough points to put Vinnie over the top. Prior to the Monday Night game, Vinnie told Ben, "Together, wer'e setting Fantasy Football back 20 years" and it looked like it was true until Rodgers hit the field. However, the comeback would still come up short and now at 1-2, Vinnie is looking for answers. He desperately needs someone else in his roster outside of Rodgers and OBJ to step up. I asked him about his roster depth and he had this to say:

"Fontana is good egg. This was an ugly game. It's a shame someone had to win/ KSK has some big steps to make to even think about the playoffs. Scoring three figures would be a great start."

Andre Johnson desperately trying to recapture the feeling of an actual catch.

Too Many Cooks - 81.5

Destroy HIM - 112.2

Well, well, well, look who's undefeated? Dom's dream season continues with an impressive blowout victory over his once-relevant brother. This one wasn't really ever close as the combination of Adrian Peterson, Amari Cooper and Cam Newton powered Destroy Him to their first 3-0 start in franchise history. This was just another potent reminder of how strong Dom's squad can be. Matt Forte and Megatron weren't great but the rest of the team picked up the slack en route to a 3rd straight victory. I would not be surprised if Dom finally makes a deep run into the playoffs in his 4th season and right now he has the team and the confidence to get him there. When asked about the win and a strong 3-0 start, Dom had this to say:

"Y'all should buy this (referring to the league)"

Next week, Dom squares off against Dave in what should be another heavyweight matchup.

Amari Cooper has Dom rolling into a possible playoff berth

It's been almost five years and it FINALLY happened. Nick Caputo is under .500 for the first time in his career. Known for his fast starts and slower finishes, Too Many Cooks is in a rough spot with a loss to his brother. Another stat I simply can't believe. His trade for Alfred Morris looks like a dud in the making and his team consists of 7 running backs who can't figure out a double digit performance when they're started but have no problem doing it on the bench. At this point, Nick would be wise to throw darts at his team's RBs blindfolded to pick each week because logic and reasoning is simply out the window. Nick declined comment for the recap due to mental preparation for next week's ever-important matchup against the Schmeckles. However, he does have a new team name, a method that has proven to be successful for him in the past after a loss. Will it work this time? Probz not.

Just remember, when you drink your next beer (not you, Chreeyusz), remember to pour some out in memory of Nick's fantasy season, gone but not forgotten. We hardly knew ye.

Live look at Nick Caputo in his office.

The Upper Deckers - 138.3 

The Apocalypse - 147.2

Joe finally got his man back in action this weekend and he gracious to see him on the field. Starting off his 2015 season with a bang, LeVeon got Joe off to a strong start but it was newly acquired Randall Cobb that put the game on ice for Juice. Finally picking up his first win of the season, a sluggish start could all be shaken off with another win next week. When asked about the come from behind win, Joe said:

"The whole weekend Will and I were in a very close matchup. It came down to the final game of the week where we both had talented players in. It was exciting to watch and unfortunate for Will my guy (Randy Cobb) was the victor. I put up a decent amount of points this week. Let's just keep it rolling against Ben next week."

Even Will had some promising words for his opponent as he said, "Let it be clear, Joe's team with LeVeon Bell is not the same team we saw through the first two games of the season."  You certainly have to take any claim from Will Gavin serious and I whole-heartedly agree. 

Cobb already feeling the love from Joe.

It didn't take long for Marshawn to drastically affect Will's team. Sitting out for a majority of Sunday's game was certainly not part of the plan. An aching back (probably diahhrea) caused Marshawn to sit out for most of the contest as the Seahawks moved forward without him. Thankfully, so did Will's team. Led by a surprising performance by Ryan Mathews and a massive game for AJ Green, The Upper Deckers dropped a deuce on Joe in the early portion of the matchup but Travis Kelce wasn't enough for Will to hold off Randall Cobb to preserve Will's second victory. Aside from the loss, Will has to be satisfied with the production he received from his role players. He had this to say about rebounding from a heartbreaking loss:

"It's hard not to be disappointed after a loss like this. I've got to give credit Joe's squad; they showed up in a big way this week. Moving to 1-2 on this is definitely a tough hit, but I still feel we have the personnel to be competitive at the end of the year. Back to the drawing board for now."

Will's reaction to Marshawn missing most of Sunday's game.

Sweet Drippins - 102.8

Schenectady Schmeckles - 114.7

Well, that didn't last long. Another week, another brutal injury for Sweet Drippins. Unfortunately, Aaron's squad wasn't able to pull off the shorthanded win as they were dealt their first loss of the season to the Schmeckles. Antonio Brown had another great performance but win Roethlisberger out for at least a month, will he have the same production? It all lies on the shoulder of Michael Vick. For the time being, Aaron will likely move forward with his third-string stash, Tyrod Taylor. T-Mobile has been as good advertised with another strong performance against the Dolphins. Hopefully for Aaron's sake, there won't any lag between the vag for his QB play. Also, any contributions from Lamar Miller or CJ Spiller would help greatly because like a  healthy Tony Romo collarbone, it's been non-existent thus far. When asked about his QB misfortune, Aaron told me:

"It's devastating losing two elite QBs in two straight weeks but we still almost won without Big Ben. I'm extremely confident in Tyrod moving forward after this week's performance against the Fins. If he keeps putting up numbers like that then I'm parting ways with Romo and Big Ben. It's Tyrod's job to lose right now."

It's T-Mobile Time. Can Aaron support the Bills Mafia?

The Schmeckles have caught fire! Riding the golden arm of TB12, Chris has finally reached an over-.500 record in his Slushie Sunday career. Brady and Edelman were boner-enducing (for Pats fans and most homosexual New Englanders) with another incredible performance while Mark Ingram, Jimmy Graham and Dion Lewis chipped in 15+ points each to get Chris his second win. All season, he's been waiting for the rest of his team to come around and it's finally starting to happen. A massive week against Brian had him come up short to open the season but each week he's managed to put up 100+ points in every week and looks like a legitimate force for the weeks to come. When asked about the hot start and the golden arm of Tommy Brady, Chris had this to say:

"I'm very pleased with my start to the season. I think this roster the fire power to beat anyone. Obviously going heavy on the Pats in the draft has helped that. Tom is undoubtedly the catalyst and his motivation is the sparking the rest of the team. He could have come out in the 4th quarter against the Jags, but he didn't. Because he's on a mission. And once Arian Foster comes back healthy and rounds out my backfield I really like my chances to make some noise in the playoffs."

Chris has another potential lay-up next week as he faces Nick (fuck!) but there's a catch: he doesn't have Edelman, Lewis, Brady and Gostkowski (#KickersLivesMatter) off of a bye week. Please Chris, spare me.

Quick preview of Chris' matchup against Nick...

Fucking ThunderC#*$ - 116.6

Team New Year - 100

Finally, Josh has a win in 2015. Already going into a personal meltdown last week, proposing trades until his fingers bled, Mommy Slut finally found a trade partner (me included) in Joe and it appears as though he has turned his season around with a major deal. Sending his favorite player (Dez), a stud wideout in Cobb and  to The Apocalypse in exchange for Ameer Abdullah, Keenan Allen and TY Hilton. Josh received a huge boost in their respective debuts. Each one scored a tuddy and sealed the deal against Chreeyusz. Josh was extremely excited to get the monkey (loser monkey that is) off his back this season. When reached for comment in his post-game presser, he had this to say:

"This weekend was a weekend for the ages. I'm so proud of these boys and what they went through these past few weeks. Even though the wins were'nt there, the effort was. Some may have labeled us as a "rebuilding team", and hell, some of us in the main office may have thought so for a minute as well, but not these boys. They left it all out on the field, 110%. I personally talked to Latavius (Murray) and he told me, "Don't worry coach, we gots this." So I trusted him, and he didn't upset me. No more questions please." 

On paper, his team still needs work but each player has consistently put up points each week and will only get stronger as the season goes on. Josh's prospects of making the playoffs have drastically changed in the past 8 days.

Josh may have used McFadden in the past but this Raiders' RB is here to stay

As for Chreeyusz, his woes continued with another loss but his team showed improvement in defeat for a little slice of a silver lining. Mike Evans returned and put up strong numbers but Chris will need more than that to get back into the playoffs. Russell Wilson didn't need to much against Chicago and Jeremy Hill struggled once again. In order for Chris to be successful, Hill has to be alot more than his current output. A young trio of Evans, Landry and Allen Robinson paired with Olsen and Russ Wilson is very strong but the run game has to improve over the next few weeks. Chreeyusz had this say in regards to his rough start to 2015:

"In my mind I'm 2-1. I'm just starting the wrong players right now. It's bad management and I shouldn't have lost to that no-good loser, Josh."

Strong words from Chreeyusz who's clearly upset with his team's performance. Next week, he looks to pick up his first win in an extremely tough task against Brian.

Mike Evans finally returns but is it too late for Chreeyusz?

Week 2 Recap: Changing of the Guard

Okay, maybe it is time for some teams to start to overreact. As of Week 2, FOUR playoff teams from last season are now winless and serious questions need to be answered. Questions like, can anyone beat Dave's team? Will Joe and Ben's streak of playoff appearances continue? Will Dom make the playoffs? If you said Aaron, Dom and Dave would be undefeated while other playoff teams are floundering, it would have shocked the rest of the league but I stressed from the beginning that this league was destined to become more even and you're looking at it. I for one am glad to see some new blood at the top of the standings while I also appreciate the challenge of knocking them off come December.

Injuries are out in full force already. Aaron's promising start is now marred by the fact that Tony Romo is gone until fantasy playoff time while guys like Mike Evans, DeMarco Murray and CJ Anderson are shitting themselves with ridiculous amounts of underachievement. Due to this, his hand was forced and it made him send Marshawn Lynch to Will in exchange for Big Ben. It is safe to say that Aaron is going all in this season and as one of the four remaining unbeatens, you can't blame him.

Craziest stat of them all? The fact that the 1st through 6th seeds in last year's playoffs are a combined 2-10(!!!) in the first two weeks of action. Josh, Ben, Chreeyusz and Joe are all winless so far and as I predicted earlier this year, the league is becoming more balanced and we're simply starting to feel the effects. Trades have already started to fly in and I have a feeling we aren't anywhere close to being done.

Owners trying to get their teams in order.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

The Upper Deckers - 108.9

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 149.1

A viable upset attempt went unfulfilled yet again as Brian vanquished Will's team in Week 2. Matt Ryan wasn't even at his best but the tandem of Ice & Julio has paid immense dividends this season already. Brian was too busy vetoing trades to have a comment for the week but I can try and guess what it would sound like...

"Suck it Will, you needledick. My teem's bettre (assuming poor spelling) then everyone else so you can all like (lick, but his autocorrect would throw him for a loop) my nuts. Goof thing I won't need to have the trophy move from my house for a while, it's serving as a fantastic butt plug for your collective girlfriends (and mothers) on lonely nights. I'm ready to cream on the rest of this league all season. My team is the big black **** and the rest of the league is a tight butthole (**thrusting motion***).  #RiseUp"

Dave gets the next shot at Brian next week, who's been unable to beat him in many years. Most of the league will be pulling for the upset but this is what the Succubus (Brian) feeds off of. Right now, his team would be the safest bet for a championship if Vegas produced odds for our league (maybe they do?). I know it would make alot of readers cringe reading that but you can't deny how strong Brian's team looks. Matt Ryan will be a Top-10 QB while Gronk, Charles and Julio are the top or close to the top of their positions. If a second running back like Joseph Randle can emerge in the loss of Romo, the league should be very worried. 

Brian, in his natural state.

As for Wilhelm, his dream of a perfect season has fell by the wayside. However, team but up another strong showing and it has people in Buffalo buzzing over a potential playoff berth after missing out for the first time in his career last year. A late injury to Eric Decker wasn't the only big piece of information that crossed the news wire yesterday. Hours before, Will pulled off one of the biggest in-season trades in recent history (second to the Eifert-Doug Martin trade) to acquire his boy, Beast Mode in exchange for Big Ben. When asked about his newest asset, Will said, 

"Marshawn is a big time pickup for this organization. He brings an attitude and a fire to the team that we've lacked over the last few seasons. He is the centerpiece for a championship caliber team. That being said, depth is hard to maintain in this league. A lot of things will change between now and ten weeks in advance."

Ah Marshawn, it seems like decades ago where Will and I watched your college highlight reels (watch this link and thank me later) laughing our asses off and now one of us finally has him. Let us not forget Beast Mode's timeless appearance in the 2009 Bills 12 Days of Christmas video that had us in tears. Viral videos aside, this is a massive upgrade for Will and if DeMarco Murray can reach double digit rushing yards on the season, The Upper Deckers would have the best trio of running backs in the league. 

Never change, Beast Mode.

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Schenectady Schmeckles over GOOD TOAST - 95

Upset of the Week:

- Schenectady Schmeckles over GOOD TOAST

Most Points Scored ($5 for Week 2): 

- Schenectady Schmeckles - 162.7

Least Points Scored: 

- GOOD TOAST - 67.7

Best Waiver Pickup: 

- Chris Johnson (Veto Corleone) - 11.6 Points

0-2 teams feeling like this on Tuesday morning...

Veto Corleone - 97.5
Taco Corp - 101.1
Well, if you weren't sipping the Kool-Aid last week, get in line. The hero we all deserve squeaked by this week with the help of an old friend to move to his first career 2-0 start. Already a shoe-in for the Coach of the Year, Dave called upon Larry Fitzgerald, the old warrior for another great performance as he turned back the clock for a three touchdown game. In my weekly discussion with Coach T, I asked how he feels about his great start and he told me, 

"You know that feeling that Gordon Bombay had after they beat Iceland in the Junior Goodwill Games? I'd say I'm a step above that...In all seriousness, it was about time Fitzgerald starting paying dividends. I've had him for a few years and haven't got alot of production. Veto (Corleone) played well and me a late scare. I may have been cocky and taken a quick power nap midway through the 4th of the Eagles game only to wake up Ben was down by 3."

Next week, the Corp faces an old rival in Date Rape Bill Crosby is what is bound to be a potential championship preview. Go Dave.

Turn Back the Clock for Fitz. Does he have more left in the tank?

Although his decision to bench Peyton did not come back to haunt him, it was his other Bronco that let him down. CJ Anderson has been a bust and then some (surprise?) and has severely crippled Ben's team thus far. He stated, "If I had started Isaiah Crowell, then I would've won." After this Brown letdown, he falls to 0-2 but there isn't as much concern or need to panic since it was only last year that Ben found himself in this predicament. As we all know, he bounced back and eventually made the playoffs for the 4th straight season. Although this year's squad is weaker than previous years, he still believes:

"While I'm disappointed with my loss, I faced an excellent team and pleased with my team's satisfactory output. Not too flashy. Just enough to give me confidence going forward. My flexibility at QB & WR have me excited about the weeks ahead."

CJ Anderson is soaring nose-diving down the depth chart.

Dez Fucked Me...Fuck - 106.9

Destroy HIM - 123.7

Last season, this matchup would have gone a completely different way but as I've said previous times already in these write-ups, it's a NEW year. That being the case, Dom is rolling so far in the new season, putting up points left and right. However, he's still not satisfied with his overall lineup's production. He once again wanted everyone to know that, "If I started Cam Newton, I would have put up 140 points again." Very strong faith in his team although he now faces his brother in huge matchup. A win places him at 3-0 for the first time in his career and sends Nick down a dark path. Megatron, AP and Forte all are paying massive dividends early on and now Dom looks like some sort of a genius for unloading so many draft picks to ensure he had quality keepers. Truly a changing of the guard if he wins next week. However, he'll be without his top scorer, DeAngelo Williams now that Le'Veon Bell is back from suspension.

"Yea, I'm thinkin' I'm back" - John Wick

As for the artist formerly known as Mommy Slut, it appears the fire sale has already begun. Dumping off Alfred Morris last night was just phase one in his master plan. Josh wants draft picks and is already giving up on the season. This is a surprise. The team isn't in god awful shape but he feels it's time to move on with the 2015 season. Should we expect Dez to be on the move as well? According to Josh, yes. One report stated that Correra "As of right now the only player I really want to keep is Latavius Murray." The craziest part is that Josh's team is still putting up points, just some bad luck. Still a good chance he winds up squeaking in the playoffs but how much will he look to rebuild?

Next week, he takes on another team that's struggling heavily in Team New Year. Each team is desperately seeking their first win and Josh looks to come into this game as a significant underdog.

Dez calling his agent: "GET ME OFF THIS TEAM BRUH!"

Schenectady Schmeckles - 162.6
Good Toast - 67.7

Joe, you got toasted. Brady and Edelman once again teamed up for their weekly onslaught with nearly 80 points against the Bills and Chris didn't look back after that. Chris was very optimistic after the blowout win on Monday, stating, 

"For sure (Brady can sustain this production). Vengeance is definitely motivating him. The complexity of the system and ability of the offense to adapt to any defensive scheme is huge. As far as my team I couldn't be prouder. The Schmeckles have come a long way as a franchise only in our 2nd season and now we are knocking on the door."

It's not toast, but you get the picture.

After frantically trying to trade off his players, Joe's team underperformed once again. However, there is light on the horizon and his name is Le'Veon Bell. All year we've heard about how strong he will be after his suspension and Joe has patiently been waiting to plug him back into the lineup. The first two weeks couldn't have gone any worse so anything Bell can contribute to the squad would be greatly appreciated. When asking Joe about Bell's return he said, "New lineup. New name. New attitude. Look the fuck out."

We figured Joe would make some changes but at least they weren't personnel based. If he can sort out his starting QB, he still has one of the most formidable teams in the league with health on his side.

Joe's reaction to putting this guy back in the lineup

Sweet Drippins - 109.4
Too Many Cooks - 101.4

Regardless of the outcome for Aaron's team this week, Sweet Drippins took a huge step back with the loss of their only QB. Mr. Tony Romo. Well the previous sentence was altered drastically when Aaron pulled the trigger on a massive trade Monday night while securing a win over Too Many Cooks with a big performance from Antonio Brown and Brandon Marshall. Romo's gone, but he just acquired Big Ben to help him remain a title contender after all. Giving up Marshawn hurts but it was a move that he simply had to make. In regards to the trade, Aaron said,

"I had to go back to my roots. When I finished 3rd a few years back, I thought about how that team finished the way they did. It's the QB and WR tandem effect. Antonio Brown is my biggest weapon. I had to try and get Big Ben to solidify some big time scoring on my roster. Sure I got rid of Marshawn but fuck that guy. Time to turn the page and keep it rollin'."

The trade sent shockwaves throughout the league and in a big surprise, the usually calm Brian ripped into Aaron for making the deal. Can't wait for those two to meet up at some point this season. For now, Sweet Drippins tries to keep the good times going with a win against the upstart Schenectady Schmeckles.

Tony, how many months are you out for?

With another stagnant offensive performance, Nick has gone restless. His running backs combined for 8 points and Andrew Luck wasn't much better. You'd like to think that this is an aberration but the league's all-time wins leader is tracing his finger along the panic button already. Here's what he has to say, 

"My running backs are horrid. My running backs are like two, separately painful punches to the dick each week. Very painful. I think Andrew Luck has been horrendous as well. I don't care what defense you're playing against, be better. We caught a break week one and could very well be 0-2. Next week doesn't get easier and I for one will not take anything less than a second win against mi hermano. Little spanish for the Hispanic readers."

Nick travels to face Dom next week and he really needs to bounce back to get the monkey off his back for the time being. One thing I will say, which is one of the most interesting stats I've seen while scouring our league history pages, is that Coach Nick Caputo has NEVER been under .500 at any point in any season in his 5 year-career in Slushie Sundays action. He has a legitimate chance of breaking this streak at the hands of "Little Brother". 

Face of the franchise. An ugly one, but the face nonetheless

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 87.1
Team New Year - 77.2

Vinnie's team had the appearance of a title contender in the offseason but an early loss to Dave caused some concern. In an ugly win where Eddie Lacy left with an injury, KSK pulled it out against Chreeyusz to hopefully right the ship as OBJ appears to be back in 2014 form. When asked if he saw any improvement over last week, Coach Crocitto stated, 

"Chris is a hell of an owner, got all the respect in the world for him. Real asset to the league. We got the win but we're a long way from where we want to be. We have a lot we need to improve on for Week 3, but we will take it one day at a time."

Barring the severity of Eddie Lacy's injury, KSK will be there in December whether you like it or not. There are still some major concerns with his flex and WR2 spots but this should correct itself over time. With Rodgers leading the way and OBJ playing well, he'll be a tough out for anyone and Ben will certainly be in for a long weekend. The Packers end on Monday Night so it should be going right down to the wire in a battle of 2014 playoff teams.

OBJ hit that whip right in Chris' grill.

Another week, another forgettable performance from Chreeyusz. You can probably just chalk this up to another poor fantasy week around the league. Vinnie and Chris combined for only 160 points and it is clear that Chreeyusz needs something to energize his roster. Of course, if he played Allen Robinson, he wins easily but who would trust him after a dud week 1? Mike Evans was a ghost and Jeremy Hill lost two fumbles to finish with a goose egg. The upside for Team New Year is still there with players like Wilson, Hill and Landry but he must make sure he doesn't fall too far behind with a third straight loss. He takes on Josh next week hoping to pull out a win and avoid a further tailspin. Chreeyusz, when asked about his playoff chances, said this:

"My odds are 1,000 to 1 but I'm a good long shot (to bet on). Start bad, finish good."

Still scoreless.

Week 2 Preview: #RiseUp

Happy Friday everyone. Assuming you read this when I posted this and not a few days after. Pieces of shit, whoever you are. Anyways, the season got off to great start. Of course it did, because I won. But seriously, it was awesome. This is a huge week for all teams, regardless of last week's result. Starting 2-0 will put you on a fast track to the postseason while starting 0-2 may have you one foot in the grave already. Last season, Chreeyusz and Ben each started off 0-2 and ended up making the playoffs while the four teams that start 2-0 all ended up in the postseason. This could be a very foreboding stat for Dom and Dave, two owners who won last week and desperately trying to get to the postseason.

By now, you all know that Dave is my pick to win it all even over myself so get used to the Troiano-slanted media coverage from here on out. Kidding, but you can expect more Dave quotes than your heart desires.

However, Dave is not featured in the game of the Week. Instead, I've opted to pick the classic Brian vs. Will matchup that will give either team a leg up in the division. Brian's Falcons led roster has another favorable matchup and looks to feast on a depleted Giants secondary. I asked Brian about his matchup against The Upper Deckers and he "modestly" stated,

"I'm clearly the Superman of this league, but all superheroes have a weakness and unfortunately, Will is mine (and also a 9). I still have a bad taste in my mouth from two years ago when he beat me by two points because I started some cupcake WR from the Giants who put up a goose egg. Will's team is balanced top to bottom which is rare for this league especially with people like Dom, Josh, and Joe drafting like they're the Billy Bean(e) of fantasy football. All jokes. I'd like to point out Will has yet to pick a defense so I imagine the projections will be even for our matchup come game time Sunday. Lightning doesn't strike the same spot twice nor will Will ruin my bid for a perfect season a second time." 

A lengthy response that is warranted by his team's early success. Will Julio Jones' new-found hamstring problem affect this outcome?

SAY WHAT AGAIN, MOTHAFUCKA!

Will Gavin knows the challenge at hand. In his weekly press conference, he stated that "Brian's got a strong team but the Falcons can't carry him all year long. I like my chances this week." And why shouldn't he like his chances? He's one of the few owners that can figure out Brian and ever since the infamous ear ring incident at Ben's, tensions have risen when these two teams meet up. It shall be a battle of the tight-ends as Gronk looks to put Brian on his back while Will hopes to get a great start to the week Thursday night with another strong performance from Travis Kelce. Will would like to close by adding that Brian is an "Idiot."

Without further adieu, let's preview y'all

Week 1 Recap: A HERO EMERGES

Time to PANIC! Just anticipating the amount of trade offers and waiver pickups this week is already making my head spin. I myself started to overreact when Andre Ellington went down from a non-contact injury, leaving my season's outlook in the balance. Couldn't tell you how fast I was already looking for potential trade targets. Regardless, the season is obviously very young but that doesn't mean there wasn't any surprises to start the season. 3 out of 4 teams that didn't make the playoffs last year won their opening matchup and the Schenectady Schmeckles pushed reigning champ Brian Constantino to the brink for most of the weekend until the Falcons closed it out, much like they did with the Eagles. #RiseUp

However, Brian backed up all his offseason claims and showed why he still has the best team in the league. Gronk, Julio and Jamaal is a lethal combination that will bring the rest of the league to it's knees. The only way to stop him is a rogue owner (or myself), who is willing to tame the beast. Someone unexpected, someone who has a history with Brian but has given him the illusion that they are once again allies. That man is...David Troiano.

Dave Troiano is, The Dark Knight

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Taco Corp - 130.9

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 90.4

Yes, you heard me, Dave the owner who hates playing defenses since they're "stupid" is my Super Bowl pick as of Sunday and I'm sticking with it the rest of the season. Last year he thought a major upset of Josh would kickstart a playoff run but it ultimately led to another year without a playoff berth. This season, Taco Corp hit the ground running in week one with a way over the heavily favored Kissing Suzy Kolber. Led by the youth of his squad (Hyde and Hopkins), he put up the second most points this week and has an early division lead, his first in several years. When Vinnie Crocitto was asked about Taco Corp, he claimed, "Taco Corp is a strong program, this is a quality loss for us at KSK. A win for Paesan (Troiano), is a win for the homeland." 

Michael Scott once said when asked if he'd rather be feared or loved, stated, "neither, I want people to fear how much they love me." I think this sums up Dave's position in a nutshell.

With a balanced core of young talent with a veteran QB like Drew Brees, it may actually be Dave's year with a league poised for more parity. Stronger teams are regressing and now it is time for team's that missed out on the playoffs last season to have their moment of glory. Although a majority of the matchups were decided by more than 30 points, I still believe it will be our most competitive season to date, and that's a patented Nick Caputo promise. I spoke to my longtime neighbor about his strong start and he stated, "I feel like I'm on the verge of greatness. Worst to first. Everything's coming together and everyone's doing their part." It's safe to say that the league is far more entertaining when Davis is winning ballgames. Next week, he takes on Veto Corleone, hoping to keep the good times rolling. Just remember, Dave isn't just the hero we need, but the hero we (everyone but Brian) deserves. Dave also added that "Taco Corp stock is going public today, so stack up on shares now" and I wholeheartedly agree.

For Kissing Suzy Kolber, an offseason marked with tons of promise turned out to be a dud but it's too early to overreact (OR IS IT?). I expect Vinnie to be there when the postseason begins and he voiced similar sentiments when was asked about his team's future. Crocitto stated,

"We've got some players who need to take the week of practice leading up to the game more seriously. Looking at you, Nelson (Agholor). Some players fell victim to playing for the Giants. Championship building is a process, and we are still very confident in our process and where the trajectory we are on will leave us in the end of December."

Direct and right to the point. Have to admire that type of leadership. I would except Vinnie to still be playing strong (fantasy) football come seasons end. Next week, he'll take on a struggling Team Christian in hopes of his first win.

Can DeAndre "Hip-Hop" Hopkins propel Dave to a strong season?

Largest Margin of Victory: 

Date Rape Bill Crosby over Schenectady Schmeckles - 40.7

Upset of the Week:
Taco Corp over Kissing Suzy Kolber - 3.1 Point Underdog

Most Points Scored ($5 for Week 1): 

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 155.6

Least Points Scored: 

Team Christian - 70.4

Best Waiver Pickup: 

Colts D/ST (Team Next Year) - 18 Points

How the Week One losers are feeling this morning...

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Veto Corleone - 81.2
The Upper Deckers - 120.7
Someone should call child protective services (or Adrian Peterson) for the beating Will put on Ben this weekend. However, it was self-inflicted on Ben's behalf. His trio of Broncos had a tough matchup against Baltimore's stout defense and in fantasy terms it was a nightmare. Peyton Manning looks like half the QB we've come to see after all these years and C.J. Anderson clearly stated his views on fantasy football Sunday night. Ben has his work cut out for him as Dan Carpenter and St. Louis D were the only players to post double digit points this week; something I've honestly never seen before. So congrats? I spoke with Ben about Peyton's season outlook and he told me, "Sunday was frustrating to watch. It's hard not to overreact but I'm not 100% confident." There you have it, Peyton broke Ben's spirit...

As for Dr. James Gavin, Esq. his squad flexed their muscles even with a goose egg from Sammy Watkins. Roethlisberger posted a strong game, as did super tight end Travis Kelce. With a strong outlook for Eric Decker, it would appear The Upper Deckers are on track to have one of the most well-rounded lineups in this league. Next week, he'll have a "date" with Brian as Will attempt to knock off Date Rape Bill Crosby. Winner of this game gets a leg up in the division as Vinnie and Nick's squads are under performing. Will was asked about the big week and stated, "Only one week. Need to stay focused and hungry if I'm going to contend for the title." Will faces an extremely tough roadblock for 2-0 as he welcome's Brian for what should be the best game of Week 2.

Live look at this week's matchup.

Team Christian - 70.4

Destroy HIM - 107.8

Adrian Peterson hasn't abuse a child this bad since...well, last season. Low-hanging fruit but I had to make the joke. Regardless, Dom made a statement this weekend by abusing Chreeyusz with a well-balanced attack of Matt Forte and Peterson will be a tough matchup for any team going forward. Although he didn't get much production from Megatron and Amari Cooper, it appears as though Dom has found a great option at tight end if Jordan Reed can stay healthy (knocks on wood). I asked Dom about his big win and he elegantly stated, "Should've put up 140." Strong words from an owner poised to make the playoffs for his first time.

The season dubbed as "Team Next Year" is hoping be more like "Team Next Week" as Chreeyusz and company weren't able to put up a fight. Jarvis Landry and Jeremy Hill look like strong selections but duds from Greg Olsen and Allen Robinson and a possible demotion for Joique Bell due to Ameer Abdullah, Chris seems behind the 8-ball early on. The return of a healthy Mike Evans will help (as it will for Jameis too) but Chris has to bounce back strong next week against Kissing Suzy Kolber to ensure he doesn't fall behind too far in what looks to be a strong division from top to bottom. When asked if he's concerned about his team, Chreeyusz said "Yea. I don't feel confident in my team at all." He also went on to say that it was important that you include "...that my rival for the team I want to beat is Will Gavin." So watch out Will. Also, love seeing a new rivalry brew up out of thin air so I'm going to stir up controversy to get to this into a full-blown war.

Matt Forte still has something left in the tank

Schenectady Schmeckles - 110

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 155.7

As he stated all offseason, "my team is the best" and by god, I finally agree with him. Brian mowed down the competition in the opening week putting up an incredible 155 points against an upstart Schmeckles team. Gronk got things going early but Brian's trio of Falcons pulled on an impressive opening night win (hooray for reality!) and Julio Jones put on a clinic to put this one on ice. When asked about the big win, Coach Constantino stated, "You think this was a big week? Wait until my team hits mid-season stride. If I was anyone else in the league I would be very afraid to play my team right now." Gotta love that intensity from Brian, sounded like an old-WWF promo. Next week he takes on old friend Will Gavin but I doubt he shows any mercy whatsoever. Right now it looks like an improbable Dave-Brian matchup in the Super Bowl is evident and I can expect that it will be an all-out war.

As for the Schmeckles, it was a strong start after a disappointing season. Once, Arian Foster is healthy, which may be sooner than expected, Chris will be a very tough out for the rest of the way. The biggest surprise for his squad came in the form of reliable, Tommy Brady. His combination with Julian Edelman will keep him competitive any week #12 laces them up. Now just imagine how Chris would have done if Brady got to play with underinflated balls against the Steelers? Keep tabs on that for the rest of the season. Chris declined to comment on the comment, (probably just missed my text) but I'm sure he'd be pleased with his team so far and expects a 5th Pats championship.

Brian going for another championship like...

Sweet Drippins - 109.4

Mr. Bobbum - 101.4

Two teams that received unofficial high draft grades from yours truly squared off in Week One and Aaron got off to a hot start led by old reliable, Antonio Brown. The closest game of the week came down to Aaron's trusted QB, Tony Romo. Two late strikes to Jason Witten proved to be the deciding factor. When asked about this gritty win, Coach Pommer stated, "I would say it's a sigh of relief. After Victor Cruz single-handedly ruined my season the first week in 2014, it's nice to see my guys step up and get off to a hot start." With a strong win under his belt, Aaron hopes to keep it going with a playoff rematch against Too Many Cooks. Best of luck my brother.

Ah, Josh. Awful luck with receivers have caused him to question his entire existence. Randall Cobb is banged up and Dez is out for at least a month. Is Josh alive? Last time I heard, his car was running inside a closed garage. Thankfully, that was a joke and he was nice enough to comment on his team's chances without Dezmond Bryant. You can smell the confidence oozing from each sentence.

"Gonna sink like the Titanic. Fire sale on Mr. Bobbum's team. Shit went sour real quick. It's over. Fuck this. Fuck my team. Fuck this league. Fuck. Selling everyone for young talent or draft picks to build for next year. My team goes as far as Dez carries us."

Josh's reaction to the Dez Bryant news.

Good Toast - 102.1

Too Many Cooks - 115.7

When asked for a quote on his team's performance, Coach Bergami responded with an essay to sum things up. Here is said essay. Speaking "briefly" about his team going forward, he said 

"I just would like to say after hours of thinking what to do with my team I decided to ship them all (away). But then a God (not sure which) sent a message and told me to buy a $25 lotto ticket last night and I won $500. So I'm thinking I'm basically playing fantasy for free now and can ride my team out and see what happens. I was very disappointed before kickoff cause I was projected 106 points. The previous years I believe I projected no less than 120 on (any given) opening week. So that was a real eye opener to me. After Minnesota let up that first touchdown I knew I was done for week one but I saw some good things...

 Abdullah, was impressive in his handful of plays this weekend. Hoping he is one of the big steals of the draft but it is way too early to determine but he's a big playmaker and that's what Good Toast is all about. McCoy I'm not worried about especially when Bell comes back (from smoking pot) in Week 3. So the running game I'm not losing sleep over.

Strong words from a stronger man. Keenan Allen was fantastic for Bergami this week and will be something to build on as he faces the Schmeckles.

Not to be outdone, the often quotable Nick Caputo had a similar recount to his opening week victory. No need for additional analysis when these two meet as they are two of the most outspoken and outlandish owners in the league. Caputo, when questioned about his mindset throughout Monday explained, 

"There was a brief time where my fantasy football season was dead on arrival. As Andre Ellington went down to a nasty looking non-contact injury, I slowly retired to my room to lay face down on my bed and visualize how the rest of the season would go without my best RB. Quickly I scoured the waiver wire for potential replacements and after a grim outlook, I went down to watch my eventual demise with the Giants game. Miraculously, with 5 minutes to go, my often criticized RB-2, Rashad Jennings broke free for a TD only to be outdone by TWO late TD's by another questionable pick, Jason Witten. Just like that my season was spared, for now. It was a gritty team win and that's what we're all about. Next man up. Ellington is out for 2-3 weeks so Bishop Sankey gets the call next week against a great Sweet Drippins team. Also, Andrew (Luck), please dominate from here on out. K, Thx."

Always a treat when those two get a microphone in front of them, or a sub from Capri. Regardless, would not be surprised if both of these struggling squads end up meeting in the playoffs come December.

Drew would have been so proud.

Welp, there you have it. Hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing this beast. Loved the quotes, love the passion, love this league. Here's to a great season gentlemen.