The Dozen - Slushie Sundays Week 1 Recap

Welcome back to another season of Slushie Sundays football. The last time I spoke with you, I actually championship aspirations (2016 was crazyyy mannn). To bring you up to speed, I lost, so did ten other schmucks and Josh won. Aside from the money, the fame, the fans, the trophy is Josh really all that different from any of us? I think we're all winners for being a part of this tight knit fraternity that would rather ridicule others for roster decisions than partake in butt-chugging or whatever they do in those things.

We waited all summer for this write-up season and it proved once again that a football Sunday is even better than *insert PG-13 reference to not upset future corporate sponsors of this blog*. For six lucky souls, it was the result they envisioned five long, painstaking days ago when they drafted the remaining core of their roster. There is nothing sweeter than witnessing offseason hype and optimism ring true, regardless of the result. Sure, teams known for prolific scoring were required to get down and dirty in their matchups but in my opinion, wins like this build character. But what would I know? I lost in a shootout.

All kidding aside, there was some horrendous football played on Sunday and teams were blindsided like Joe Theismann. I did you all a favor and didn't hyperlink the video of his leg being mangled but next week I can promise more bodily injuries in the write up. I'm getting extremely off topic but what I truly intended to prove in this paragraph was that this is a results based league. Unfortunately for some, moral victories aren't properly compensated in Slushie Sundays and usually (in my ideal universe), the most victories receives the glory.

That being said, don't get bent out of shape after one loss and gut your entire roster, it gets better; hopefully. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to walk roundtrip to Denver/Cleveland/Los Angeles to beat Trevor Simeian, Ben and Adam Vinatieri with a pillowcase full of nickels to vent my frustrations in succession, but my wellness advisor (the beer in my fridge) instructed me to breathe easy and focus on the upcoming weeks. For it is a marathon, not a sprint. With injuries, suspensions, benchings, etc. anything can happen this season and I sincerely mean it. We can draft our players and set our lineups but aside from that, we are held hostage to the decisions of dimwitted coaches, play-callers and millionaire athletes who don't even know we exist. It's all about having FUN and not losing your sanity (this will be fun to read again in three weeks if I still have a losing record). Gotta love fantasy football right?

WEEK ONE RECAP

(1-0) - Famous Jameis - 116.2

(0-1) - Death Row Records - 111.9

As the devastating hurricane(s) rolled through the South last weekend, it was tough seeing the Bucs and Dolphins sit at home and not provide joy for their displaced fans. However, they could take solace in the fact that Benny Football pulled off an upset in Week One without his two best players, Jameis and Jay Ajayi, who happen to play in Florida. Odds stacked against him, Kareem Hunt did the impossible in his debut and balled out, placing Nick in a massive hole. Things got dicey at the end but Carson Wentz put up superstar numbers in replace of Jameis Winston. Truly a "next man up" mentality in the locker room and it showed. Now that the dust has settled, Ben now finds himself with a strong trio of running backs (Hunt, Ajayi and Crowell) and a QB controversy to boot. As you'll see in the rest of this write up, certainly not the worst problem to have. Next week, he takes on Sergio Dipp (Dom) trying to start 2-0 yet again and keep the high scores rolling. Don't spend all that $15 in one place.

*puts on emo music to drown out sorrow and lack of faith in god/humanity*

Everything in this league reminds me of pain. Adam Vinatieri missed extra point; pain. Emmanuel Sanders not hauling in two passes for scores; pain. Allen Robinson torn ACL; legitimate pain. The list goes on and on. Just kidding, or am I? For realzies, there was a few things to be happy with in the maiden voyage of Death Row Records. Matt Stafford appears to a capable backup for Andrew Luck, Lamar Miller wasn't terrible and the team put up a lot of points with half the team not producing. The receivers will bounce back and if the RB's are solid, this is still a playoff team. In hopes of avoiding being under .500 for only the 3rd week in his storied career, Nick takes on Team New Year hoping to right the ship.

(0-1) - Big Baby Boi - 92.3

(1-0) - Let's Play A Game - 99.1

As usual this game was hotly contested until the final Monday night matchup. While both teams underperformed their lofty projections, Brian was able to cash in with his prized rookie running back Dalvin Cook to put the game on ice. Running for over 100 yards, it appears Brian has found a back to compliment LeSean McCoy after losing DeMarco Murray in the offseason. Julio Jones and Matt Ryan weren't at their best but there's nothing to worry about from this tandem. It's as certain as 25-point lead with 17 minutes to play. Okay, I've used my one Super Bowl collapse joke for the season. Brian, as usual, figures to be in the Super Bowl at year's end and has an extremely large chip on his shoulder after last season's 9th place finish. Will expectation outweigh reality? We shall certainly see. Next week, he faces Aaron in a battle of unbeatens. Last week on their respective preview videos, shots were fired between the two owners. Perhaps a little added edge to this week's matchup?

On paper, it appears Joe may have the most complete team in the league. Only problem, he was missing one of his main cogs due to the weather. Without Mike Evans and a struggling Le'Veon Bell, Joe was unable to beat his rival, Brian once again. Kelvin Benjamin caught one pass while Ty Montgomery looked very strong before leaving the game with a minor injury. There's plenty of talent on this roster and when they all click, it's a force to be reckoned with. This isn't unusual for Joe's teams either, normally starts slow, wants to trade his whole team after two weeks and ends up a Top 4 seed when it's all said and done. Last year, he finally crossed a major hurdle and made it to the Super Bowl. Although he wasn't able to defeat Josh, he now has the luxury of not seeing the trophy in his house to remind him of the loss. If there is one owner that deserves their first title after great regular season success, it would be Joe. Next week, he'll take on another title contender in Dave. If the prophecy is correct, Joe loses in another close matchup, fields trade offers and ends up in the Super Bowl. But after gradually advancing an extra round in the playoffs each season, this may be 'the year".

(1-0) Team New Year - 101.8

(0-1) Dewsy McDukeSters - 78.3

Aided by a late surge on Monday Night with Stefon Diggs, Chreeyusz took care of Will easily for a opening week victory. Amari Cooper and Jonathan Stewart had very strong games as well, while DeMarco Murray and Marshawn Lynch left some points on the table. With Dak Prescott seemingly not missing a beat from his rookie season, Team New Year is certainly going to turn some heads this year. Always one for gathering talent, Chris has never been able to translate it into postseason success, with only one career playoff win to his name. That being said, the franchise dubbed Team New Year may have finally turned over a new leaf. If he really wants to put the league on notice, he'll have to beat his big brother Nick this weekend. However, it might seem easier than it looks, for Chris has had Nick's number in recent years. Nick's back will be against the wall this week and this should make for an extremely close matchup. Best of Luck CC.

Similar to Chris, another team that which isn't one of the main contenders that had a great draft on paper was Will. Usually devastated by injuries and horrific luck each season, this year started in the same vein. Danny Woodhead caught three quick passes and looked like a great value pick. That was until he went down with what is now determined to be a torn hamstring. Hamstrung by hamstrings, Will we need to fill the void with bench players to pair with the stud Lenny Fournette. Russ Wilson and Doug Baldwin are bound to play better in the upcoming weeks, especially with a juicy matchup against San Fran this Sunday. Keenan Allen, Cooper Kupp and Randall Cobb add fantastic receiver depth and potential trade chips down the line. Unfortunately for Will, his chances for a bounce back win run through Josh and the TY Beanies. He'll have to slay the proverbial "dragon" in order to avoid a dreaded 0-2 start.

(1-0) TY Beanies - 93.5

(0-1) Schenectady Schmeckles - 88.9

A week one win but at what cost? That's what our defending champ has to be asking himself this week. After receiving good news regarding Zeke's playing status, he looked poised to repeat with two stud running backs. Then, OBJ got hurt and on Sunday, he received the crushing blow of David Johnson's injury. Initial reports had him potentially playing this week and now it's confirmed he'll miss 2-3 months. However, all is not lost, he will most likely be around come playoff time and there are others on the bench hoping to replace DJ's production. Joe Mixon had a less than stellar debut but the jury is certainly still out and Jeremy Maclin seems to have already benefitted from a change of scenery in Baltimore. A full title defense would be difficult enough but the adversity TY Beanies may have to overcome is mounting. Josh hopes to move to 2-0 against Will's team, looking to move past a poor performance. It will be his first look at a roster without the number one fantasy player. Assuming Zeke plays the full season, he may be able to rival Johnson's 2016 output. Only time (and the Board of Appeals) will tell.

(1-0) Are Bonita Fish Big? - 114.9

(0-1) Sergio Dipp - 84.4

Two of the most hyped teams squared off this weekend in a classic Dolan Drive showdown. After plenty excitement surrounding each draft, Dave flexed his muscles with a dominating performance, even with Cam Newton already finding himself on the trading block. His title defense came up short last season but Dave is out for pure, unadulterated revenge. Tyreek Hill and Todd Gurley led the charge while his usually contributors played well enough to win comfortably against Dom. Great drafting Dave. As I have often said in the past, I enjoy rooting for Dave's team more than my own and myself and his fans are ecstatic about this strong victory. We hope the Dave Train keeps it rolling against Joe next week in another heavyweight bout to secure another fast start on his now-dubbed "Revenge Tour 2017". Like always, Dave will represent the blue-collar, everyman fantasy player and will certainly be another fan favorite this season.

Well that did not go as planned, in the true vein of Sergio Dipp. All the talk, all the draft picks and all the duds. Certainly not a cause for concern but definitely not the start Dom envisioned when crafting his roster. His bench on the other hand was strong, speaking to the strength of his depth. Now comes the future indecision in setting a lineup each week. He'll be able to evaluate his talent in the upcoming weeks to gauge his optimal lineup but for now, he certainly needs to work out the kinks and determine which lineup can get him back in the playoffs. Unlike the man he named his team after, he hopes to bounce back from a rough start and capitalize, as opposed to making a weird twitter video at 3AM explaining the correlation between 9/11 and his broadcasting career like the legend himself, Sergio Dipp. Anyways, Dom takes on an upstart roster in Famous Jameis and if he isn't careful, he may be in danger of falling to 0-2. Safe to say Dom is not "HAVING. THE TIME. OF HIS LIFE!"

(1-0) Why You Pee On My Car? - 83.2

(0-1) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 48.8

Avert your eyes! This matchup was uglier than the comment section of a politically charged Facebook post. But, like said Facebook post, it is just so hard to look away. I combed through the box scores and I was able to find some positives, for Aaron at least. Antonio Brown is still really good and as long as Big Ben is throwing him the ball, Aaron has a puncher's chance. Jason Witten and Pierre Garcon exceeded expectations and certainly any contributions would be appreciated. Brandon Marshall will be better and hopefully, a running back can step forward. If not, it's Eddie Lacy or bust for this squad and the early indications lean towards bust. Next week, things don't get any easier with Brian coming to town. Aaron will need the Steelers to solve the Vikings defense and a shred of production from his backs to have any chance. Godspeed Aaron.

To paraphrase the great Silky Johnson, "What can I say about this lineup, that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan. It looks bombed out and depleted!" Vin, this hopefully is a one-off performance for someone who has remained consistent in his Slushie Sundays career. As of right now, the running don't look great. Paul Perkins and Robert Kelley are technically starters but are each running behind high school level offensive lines. Perhaps a trade is in the works? Maybe the waiver wire, with free agent bidding, going balls out for waiver targets could turn things around quickly. Vinnie is a savvy veteran who has made the playoffs ever year in his career. His pedigree points towards a bounce back and with Tom Brady at the helm, nothing is impossible.