Week Five Recap: Blowout City

We are in the thick of it now gentlemen. No turning back from here. After another tumultuous and painstaking week due to trades and rule changes, the league was hoping to bounce back with some good, hearty matchups. They got the complete opposite of that. Just a complete crock of shit for a decent amount of teams. Thankfully, this wasn't in the second half of the season where the games really start to intensify.

By now, an owner should know what to expect from their rosters. Acquisitions have been made, waivers have been claimed and injuries have plagued the league once again. The amount of adversity faced in a fantasy season only pales in comparison to the actual NFL but that's why we play the game. A glimpse at what it's really like to build a real team. Some more than others, have relished their opportunities, creating a winning institution to be constantly feared. Some, fly by the seats of their pants, making each year a total crapshoot in a win-or-bust mentality. 

The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and now is the time where the elite managers separate themselves. Lineup decisions get difficult, roster management becomes ever so crucial to provide proper depth, all while keeping an eye out for trades and the opportunity to build future equity via draft picks. We've seen some fireworks thus far and I would expect more of the same (controversy withholding) in the upcoming weeks. And for those teams truly struggling (Dom and Chris), it may look bleak but just remember only 5 wins can get you into the playoffs. It has happened before and would not be surprised if it happened again. Don't give up hope just yet, plenty of game to be played. Peep the standings below and see how TIGHTTTTT it is from spots 3-10.

GAME OF THE WEEK

(2-3) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 123.5

(2-3) Dirty Birds, Inc. - 91.7

In an essentially must-win game, Vinnie dialed up the man that has arguably caused him the most grief on a football in his entire life. That's right, Mr. Tom Brady. After trading away Aaron Rodgers to get a taste of Tommy, it has paid off with a season saving win against Brian. Not to be outdone, backup TE Martellus Bennett delivered arguably the biggest game of his career, finishing with over 30 points and three scores. The stars truly aligned for Vinnie but he realizes there is still more work to do. After being dealt vicious blows with injuries to Decker and Charles Sims, they stood in the face of adversity and took a shit on Brian's chest. Even Matt Asiata was able to get in on the action with 17 points. Not the usual suspects for Vinnie but this is a completely new team and he certainly will not squander the opportunity for role players elevating their role on KSK. Vinnie had this to say after the upset victory, "Brian runs a winning organization. Year in and year out, so going in I felt this would be a great litmus test for where KSK was in our reload. Brian didn't show up which is unfortunate and not indicative of his team, but our guys did what they needed to do to overcome the obstacles of the week. Now we're onto Mommy Slut. Trust the process." Can Vin slay another beast in Week 6?

It was a pretty miserable weekend for Brian in terms of fantasy but things are certainly looking up in other facets of life. The Falcons pulled out a great win in Denver and he's now officially off the market. However, this isn't match.com, it's a fantasy website and the fact of the matter is, he's 2-3. Probably no need to panic but after a while, you would expect him to turn on the switch right? Gronk put up a typical Gronk performance but unfortunately he was stuck on the bench while his backup, was in the matchup and leading to his defeat. There is a silver-lining, the Falcons have a few more tough matchups until their schedule gets more manageable and it appears Brian has found a stud in Chicago's Jordan Howard. Most likely, he'll be in the thick of things as the season winds down but stranger things have happened. Here's Brian on the loss this weekend, "Lack of consistency and that c-sucker Tom Brady are the reasons I lost this week. We need to start stringing some wins together. Especially these next two weeks where we play the two best teams (by record). Thor's C*** Hammer will officially be retired and the new team name will be....Dirty Birds, Inc. (LLC)." Two pivotal division matchups for Brian lie ahead, will his team answer the challenge?

(5-0) Brule's Rules - 163
(2-3) Team Ruthless - 121.5
Welp, Joe can thank Brian for giving Nick the extra motivation required to put together an old-fashioned beatdown this weekend. My apologies, old friend. My team was expectedly disrespected over the weekend and they defended their owner's honor in an absolute bloodbath. Clicking on all cylinders, that's what Brule's Rules does babayyy. Not much else to say though, the proof is in the pudding (or lineup). This team rides on the stable of Colts (pun intended) and when Adam Vinatieri is even chipping in 23 points, you're gunna have a bad time (facing Brule's Rules). They will try to keep things moving as Nick faces Ben, pitting him against his hero, Derek Carr. Hopefully, at least one of his teams will come out victorious next week. Pay attention to the important Monday Night matchup Larry Fitzgerald's performance most likely determining the outcome. No comment from Nick.

Just a bad weekend for Joe to run into a shit twister. After posting one of the highest scores this week, he was steamrolled by Nick in an effort to get back over .500. Regardless of the result, Joe must be pleased with the play of his team even without Dez Bryant and Eli Manning still behind center (until Brees eventually takes over). A slow start is something he's been accustomed to lately but it's all about how you finish and every year, Joe has made the playoffs. Unfortunately, he is still chasing that elusive title but he truly thinks this team could get him his first ring. LeSean McCoy continues to disprove doubters and LeVeon Bell was certainly worth the wait, putting up massive numbers without even finding the endzone. Mike Evans should be able to hold down the fort until Dez returns, which will create a great trio with recently acquired Amari Cooper. If you've already played Joe this year, be thankful you won't have to play him until a potential playoff matchup. No comment from Joe either because I simply forgot to text him...WHOOPS. However, he was upbeat about his team's play last night at bowling (great bowling Doe) and was unfortunate to have ran into my buzzsaw of a lineup. He'll look to get back to 3-3 against division rival and friendly rival, Aaron and WYPOMC.

(3-2) Start The Carr - 119.6
(3-2) EBDB BnB - 132.4
The battle cry for sweet, innocent Harambe is really starting to resonate with Dave's roster. After an 0-2 start nearly pushed his team to the brink, they have rebounded to the tune of three straight wins. After a late scare from Jacquizz Rodgers, Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin were able to reduce the Cookie Man to a pile of crumbs. DeAndre Hopkins salvaged another weak performance from Brock Osweiler with a garbage TD and Devonta Freeman provided an unlikely, strong performance in Denver. Blake Bortles got a week to rest and hopefully reconfigure the wires and it allowed Dave to try out his new toy, Carson Wentz. With a strong performance, is Dave hitching his season to the Wentz Wagon? Bortles has been a serious disappointment and his owner is known to have an extremely short leash with QBs. Certainly something to monitor next weekend as Dave takes on the Schmeckles. Here's what Dave had to say about this season's early turnaround, "This winning streak has been anything but easy. 3 great competitors and now we shift our focus to Casey. The road only gets tougher moving forward." Can Harambe's divine spirit lead Dave's squad to a 4th straight win and keep pace with Josh in the AFC?

Three early wins are looking as valuable as ever for Benny Football after suffering another tough loss against Harambe's Heroes. A strong performance once again from his roster was not enough, causing him to drop back to 3-2. Regardless of result, Ben must be pleased with his team's output without Jamaal Charles yet to produce a single point. Terrance West once again provided much needed "flexual favors" to anchor a thin running game while Derek Carr continues to be the ignition for "Starting the Carr" (don't @ me). But Ben has never been once to just comfortably make the playoffs, he relishes the challenge. With no more than 7 wins ever in a season, he's just been (ha) a team that lays in the weeds and gives teams a tough out in playoff matchups. He's usually there at the end of the season but only had a 3rd place finish to show for it. A healthy Jamaal Charles could be the spark for his maiden voyage to the Super Bowl. After the loss, he had this to say, "Start The Carr will be ok. We're still scoring consistently, in fact averaging 122.1 point per week. Unfortunately, I knew the schedule would be tough, and despite being one of the high scoring teams in the league, 3-2 is still fine with me. Will need a similar effort going forward." Ben pulling out all the stops with his fancy sabermetrics in his quote. Speak english Doc, we ain't scientists!

(4-1) TY Beanies - 145.5
(2-3) Team New Year - 57.9
This one, was not close. I mean at all. Chris knew he would be in for a rough matchup regardless but Josh just spanked him like a ginger step-child. Fantasy all star David Johnson set the tone early and often, proving he is hands down the best fantasy running back. Not to be outdone, Ezekiel Elliott posted another unbelievable statline, cruising over 100 yards once again versus the Bengals. This team was always going to put up points but even without Cam Newton, they didn't miss a beat. After the victory, Josh had nothing but harsh words for his opponent and his performance. "Chris Caputo is still in this league? This came as a surprise to the Beanies. But so be it, another one up, another one down. Just gotta keep handling our business week in, and week out. We're 4-1 and very proud of it. Fear the Beanie." Ouch, as if the smackdown wasn't enough for Chris. Josh is playing with a lot of confidence right now and is putting the league on notice.

Chreeyusz is starting to fall down a similar path of his brother. Don't want to make him nervous but he has now failed to score under 100 points in four of the five weeks. Granted, bye weeks crippled his team in addition to poor performances from Jarvis Landry and Matt Jones but someone on this team needs to provide a spark. Look no further than Allen Robinson. He got off to slow start last season (as did Chris) and both came on very strong to end the season. Robinson seems to be heating up and is coming off a bye and Chreeyusz should chalk his matchup with Josh up to a bye as well. Lots of rest and thankfully no injuries. Stefon Diggs and Jonathan Stewart look to be healthy next week as he takes on the winless Shitty Beatles. Chris promised me a quote and I simply didn't get one. Hopefully he's working on his team or more importantly, his homework. He'll need to maintain a 85 GPA to remain eligible for the rest of the season and that is a request handed down from the hierarchy (Barb & Jim). Godspeed to Chreeyusz in his studies. May your hats fly as high as your dreams.

(3-2) Hogan Knows Best - 90
(1-4) Schenectady Schmeckles - 80.4
After a year of complete misery in 2015, Will has rebounded quite nicely in the early stages of 2016. He dealt with injuries and awful luck and it has hardened him into a seasoned owner. It has surely shown thus far as he squeaked out a tough, low-scoring matchup against the Schmeckles. As of now, he holds sole possession of 2nd place in his respected division. This is thanks in part to the unsung efforts of Brian Hoyer. Spelled from the bench to replace Carson Palmer and he put up a massive 28 points to outscore Aaron Rodgers and seal another Hogan victory. Aside from a strong performance from Tyrell Williams, it was a quiet week for the roster but simply did enough to get by. Palmer and Christine Michael return this week and they'll be much needed in a pivotal divisional matchup against Brian. A win would provide some much needed separation. Will was blunt (it's 4:20 somewhere) in his postgame remarks stating, "Squeaked one out this weekend. Going to need to start producing more points if I want to keep this season going."

Schmeckles just can't seem to get any momentum going. After a crushing loss last week, Chris and company came up just short against Hogan Knows Best. Aaron Rodgers played well but in terms of fantasy, it was an underwhelming performance when he was needed the most. Sterling Shepard took another step back and Eddie Lacy produced a dud in primetime, causing him to drop to 1-4. Still plenty of time left in the season to make a move in the playoff race but certainly not the start he was hoping for. No quote from Chris this week and with Dave coming to town, one would assume he has pulled a Bill O'Brien and started sleeping in his office at the team complex. Total football guy move that you have to respect. 

(3-2) Why You Pee On My Car? - 142.6
(0-5) The Shitty Beatles - 93.3
After a slow start, some thought the dreaded license plate would not leave the rear portion of Aaron's Honda. However, the recent surge of the Steelers offense (to the dismay of him and his beloved Jets) have propelled Aaron's roster to a 3-2 record. New addition Julian Edelman received plenty of targets from his old pal Tom and Aaron now totes a strong lineup for the playoff push. "All the credit in the world to Dom's team. Great trade with him and would like to mention he had a class organization. F*** the haters. Legalize ranch." Not sure if it was a typo but referring to Dom that he "had" a class organization just shows how a once upstart franchise has already had to press the reset in just 5 short weeks. Anyways, this team is only getting stronger by the week and is currently one game out of the division lead along with Ben and Dave. Joe is next on tap for WYPOMC and you can expect more fireworks in this matchup. The Steelers game becomes all too important with seemingly every offensive play affecting the outcome of the score.

Shitty Beatles indeed. Things went from bad to worse on Sunday for Dom as his team was beaten to a pulp by Aaron. Thankfully, his younger brother saved him from once again posting the lowest scoring week in the league. Yes, the draft picks look great but at some point, pride has to factor into the mix. At 0-5 he has all but sealed his playoff fate and now has to contend with the idea of toting a pink license plate holder for the next year. Not even FEMA could save this season from the impending disaster that lies ahead for the remaining ten weeks. Dom could not be reached for comment. At least there's the Cubs though! Still time to reverse the curse, even if it means going 0-13. Next week however, a more manageable game against his baby brother, Chreeyusz. This will be a hotly contest rivalry game as usual and could springboard Dom's miracle playoff run. Currently, Dom holds a 3-2 series lead all-time, something he can't have anyone take away from him in exchange for draft picks.