Week 6 Recap: And Then There Was None

The dreams of our first ever perfect season are dashed. I'm sure all of you are as distraught as I am this morning but don't get too upset, I will bounce back. However, there is still one winless team left in the league an things are looking as bleak as ever. Sunday Night, Dom was surprised to see Will Fuller put up a zero but the bigger surprise came when I told him he wasn't even playing tonight. Brian, Josh and Joe all bounced back as the title contenders that they are Ben pulled off a huge upset to keep him right in the thick of things.

Dave pulled off a miraculous win but got a little help from Chris Casey as he forget to take out Kyle Rudolph although he was on a bye. A bold strategy that nearly paid off as Chris lost his matchup by .1 points (!!!). Easily the closest matchup in league history and has now lost 2 matchups by 1.7 point in his many weeks. An extremely devastating loss for a team that needed a win more than anyone not named Dom. This loss sets Chris back two games behind the 8th seed and it is a real logjam for the lower playoff spots. Currently, one team from the group of 3-3 squads will be watching the playoffs like a poor schmuck reading "Don't Kill Myself" books after a promising start. The playoff race will obviously sort itself out in the upcoming weeks but at this point, as the late philosopher (not dead) Kevin Garnett once said, "Anything is possible". Except Dom making the playoffs. I'm sorry, but you are the weakest link, goodbye (I always hated that lady from Weakest Link).

One final note on Dom. When looking through the stats yesterday, I happened to notice that while Dom's scored the least amount of points, he's also given up the most as well. By ALOT. 60 points more points scored against than Vinnie and right now, his opponents are scoring 135 points per game. The team may be struggling but that is unbelievably bad luck.

GAME OF THE WEEK

(4-2) Start The Carr - 96.5

(5-1) Brule's Rules - 77

Just when it looked as though Ben was going to regress back to .500, his team rallied around their owner and pulled off a huge upset to get back to 4-2. Unsung performances from Terrance West, Michael Thomas and Gary Barnidge (PUKE) were able to propel him to just enough points to get his 4th victory. This was an ugly game. Essentially an AFC South matchup. Vintage Jags-Titans matchup to wet the pallet of the league viewers. Certainly disappointed to many's standards but for Ben, he will gladly take an ugly win. Everything the kid touches turns to gold. The city of Cleveland is riding a 9-game playoff win streak and his team is more dodging bullets than Keanu Reeves in the early-2000's. One game back of Josh seems insurmountable at this point but a high playoff seed is still in his grasps. Next week, he takes on Dom in hopes to get to 5-2, a spot where not many thought was possible going into the season. To sum up his team's performance, he has this to say, "Despite some poor roster decisions (see Chiefs, RBs) and leaving some points on the bench, Start the Carr is happy to be 4-2. I'm gaining confidence with the core of my team with each passing week. In a great position."

Pretty much the worst possible scenario for Nick this weekend. His team completely falls on his face and the Raiders look like absolute shit. The run was bound to come to an end at some point and fortunately, it was due to his team simply having an off week. His band of receivers (normally good) had another off week and even the Four Horsemen (nickname I appointed to my Colts players) couldn't bale (horse pun) him out this weekend. No need to panic for Nick (unless I lose these next two matchups), his team isn't relatively healthy or playing to their capabilities and he's still 2 games up in his division. Andrew Luck continues to be the lifeblood of this team and even with the Colts' offensive line putting him in harm's way every time he drops back, Nick has remained faithful to the man that led him to his best season (and inevitably choking away a chance at B2B Super Bowl titles) and believes better weeks are ahead for Brule's Rules. He was short in his quote but congratulated his opponent after the matchup and preached consistency to his team in the postgame locker room speech. 

(3-3) Why You Pee On My Car? - 63.7
(3-3) Team Ruthless - 153.9
When his team seriously needed a victory to get back to .500, Joe's team delivered and then some on his birthday. His "Juice" jersey might have been the best present but the performance of his team was a close second. Putting up 154 was a great response to silence his doubters. Finally able to start Drew Brees, he did not disappoint, as him and Coby Fleener combined for 64 points and that alone was able to defeat Aaron. However, the rest of Team Ruthless was not finished. Not at all. LeSean McCoy continued his dominance with nearly 200 total yards and LeVeon Bell quietly chipped in 16 points. With Roethlisberger's injury (Aaron, once again, so sorry), Bell will be leaned on more heavily than a stereotypical cool guy on his muscle car in the upcoming weeks and it is exactly why Joe keeps that cannabis lover around. 

Well it's that time of the year, leaves are changing, pumpkins are being picked and Aaron's lost another QB to a tragic injury. Roethlisberger had a little scare Sunday afternoon after he limped off the field to end the first half but was fortunate to see his franchise QB come back for the second half. His matchup was already a blowout at that point but seeing his QB healthy was the first step. Then, disaster struck. Apparently Ben's meniscus was resembling Aaron's current playoff chances...torn. He may be out for only a few weeks but he is now faced with another season without a consistently healthy QB. Will he turn to his man Fitz in a pinch (nope, nevermind..wrote this before MNF)? His team certainly has the makings of a playoff roster regardless but the Ben-Brown connection was carrying him thus far. Last season he went with T-Mobile (got hurt), Romo (also hurt) and countless others to fill the gap and those guys might have actually died (someone fact-check that). Understandably, Aaron was upset with his usual misfortune but he still had faith. Here's what he had to say, "Worse than the Madden Curse. Any QB I have will get injured. Mark it down, whoever starts next week will go down and the season will go down the tubes. Team Ruthless had a hell of a week but as the great Farmer Fran said...We live to play anodda day."

(1-5) Schenectady Schmeckles - 83.1
(4-2) EBDB BnB - 83.2
My goodness what a win for Dave. Bailed out by Chris' decision to start Kyle Rudolph on bye, he nearly lost his winning streak. Two more yards for any of Chris' players would have done the job or a tight end from last night's shit show of a Monday Night game would have pushed Dave to his first loss since September. However, Harambe was once again in Dave's corner, squeaking out the closest of victories to keep pace with Josh in the AFC alongside Benny Football. At this rate, there is a 110% chance there is a Harambe shrine sitting in Dave's closet like Helga in Hey Arnold. The team that everyone was ready to write-off after a slow start is now back to 4-2 and looking to defend his crown for the innocent gorillas still remaining in captivity. A big test lies ahead in Week & however for Dave. Two or his main weapons, (Third Leg) Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin will be on bye and Joe's team comes to town after posting a huge Week 6 blowout. This could certainly be a potential first round playoff matchup and all eyes should be diverted to this game during the weekend. Here's Dave after the nailbiter of a finish, "Compare my team's performance this week to a cheap hooker. It wasn't pretty but it got the job done."

You can't lose one worse than Chris did this week. Granted, his decision to not switch Rudolph out of his lineup cost him but the fact that he finally caught Dave on an off-week and still couldn't cash in perfectly sums up his season thus far. Aaron Rodgers looked promising last week but put up another lackluster performance in primetime against Dallas. If not for just one of his costly turnovers, Chris would have won this matchup even without Rudolph. Now sitting at 1-5, two games behind the final playoff spot, it is now do or die time for the Schmeckles. Still toting a potent lineup, he desperately needs a win this week to keep his dreams of back-to-back postseason berths alive. However, next week's matchup will be against Josh and that is a mountain that I don't think even Jake Gyllenhaal could climb (Everest joke).

(5-1) TY Beanies - 165.8
(2-4) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 94.3
"Don't get comfortable. That's what I told my boys heading into Sunday's games. Breaking records in Slushie Sunday's comes with a huge bullseye on our back and we must defend our turf next week against the Schmeckles. God Bless." Another week and another spanking doled out by Josh and TY Beanies. As I write this, Josh has officially turned 26 and as the Father of the league, he abused his younger leaguemate mercifully, led by David Johnson and Ezekiel Elliott. The only thing stopping those two at this point is oncoming traffic and that might not be enough. David Johnson has entered Ladanian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson levels of dominance through 6 weeks and Elliott is not far behind. Pair those two with Cam Newton, Odell Beckham and Melvin Gordon and you have a team destined for fantasy immortality. This blueprint of stockpiling draft picks can only give Dom a slimmer of hope for next season. Next week, without Elliott and Newton, he still has a favorable matchup against a desperate Schmeckles roster. A convincing win this week should supplant Josh as the Super Bowl favorite. Which we all know DEFINITELY ends up being the one holding the title at years end. No pressure Josh and have a great B-Day. Don't spend your Social Security check all at once you old bastard!

Another rough week for the brain trust at Kissing Suzy Kolber. After making waves with multiple trades, the excitement has begun to fizzle, dropping to 2-4. However, Brady looks great and should be the driving force for Vinnie to get back into the playoff conversation. Currently positioned at 10th, it's all about pushing the right buttons. Like "move" and "Jordan Reed" and "move to bench". Reed was suffering from a concussion and it appears the concussion protocol should have extended to process of filling out the lineup. Didn't really matter much this week but must be something in the water up in LG when it comes to Tight End mismanagement. Anyways, Vinnie, desperately looking to avoid 2-5 heads to visit Team Chreeyusz in a huge matchup for a potential playoff spot. Here's what he had to say after the loss, "Ahh member...member that time I beat Brian? Oh! Yeah member? Blowout, member? Everybody loved that, member?". Unbelievable quote from one of the finest talkers in the league.

(3-3) Hogan Knows Best - 154.8
(3-3) Dirty Birds, Inc. - 88.3
Here's what Brian had to say about his team's win, (Warning: Graphic) "Will had no right speaking to a Fantasy God on Sunday morning. He was clearly punished for it. I f***** him so hard **** came on SNF when Miller went off. The Dirty Birds **** is hard. It's a full on ******* and ready to f*** Brule's Rules from behind this week. Hope you have lube Nick otherwise it's going to be a painful Sunday for you." Dear god, hide the damn children. Will I apologize for allowing this to be posted but that's the hard-hitting journalism we pride ourselves on at the Slushie Sundays Times. Anyways, Brian shitbombed all over Will this weekend and Matt Ryan and Julio Jones were the main culprits. Just smear it in Will's face, Lamar Miller popped off 30+ points to officially deficate on his team's grave. Classic Brian. Next week, it's the Game of the Week against Nick. The oldest rivalry in fantasy football is revived. A win for Nick would give him a comfortable 3-game advantage on Brian but a win for the Dirty Birds could make the division even tighter. Really looking forward to this one.

Apparently Will crossed the line by telling Brian "Good Luck". Obviously it triggered Brian enough to blow him away in Week 6. Now back at 3-3, Will looks to avoid starting the dreaded losing streak with his team primed for a big performance. Lumped in with the rest of the 3-3 teams, he would currently be out of the playoffs if the season ended today. Thankfully, it doesn't get much easier with a big matchup this weekend against Aaron who is hungry for a win to keep his head above water after the Roethlisberger injury. Carson Palmer is still not 100% and Will is still struggling to find a complimentary receiver for AJ Green after the injury to Sammy Watkins. If Will can get back over .500, he has a chance to gain ground in the standings with winnable matchups against Ben and Dom lurking.

(3-3) Team New Year - 93
(0-6) The Shitty Beatles - 51.8
Boy, was Chris ever looking forward to this matchup to pad the stats. Desperately needing a win to keep pace after a blowout loss. Dom handed him his 3rd victory without having to exert much effort. Jarvis Landry provided a solid game while Allen Robinson and Russell Wilson were unable to take advantages of favorable matchups. Didn't really matter much, as Chris finds himself right in the thick of the playoff hunt. Jonathan Stewart returned in strong fashion and Matt Jones posted a massive game against Philly and Team New Year is looking as complete as ever. For years, he struggled to lock down consistent running backs and may have it with this duo. If Willie Snead of Stefon Diggs can provide a consistent flex, we are looking at a sneaky team that could fly under the radar. Week 7 has him without Stewart but a chance to get him fully healthy is crucial. With Kissing Suzy Kolber coming to town, he hopes to get back to over .500 and to keep pace with the division and take a huge step towards making the playoffs. After the win, he did not hold back on his opponent. Ethering Dom and Josh (don't think he forgot last week) to a pile of ashes. "It was a good win this week against the league punching bag but I'm more concerned about last week and don't think I forgot Josh...knock knock." Chris is begging for a shot at redemption against Mommy Slut.

Shitty Beatles indeed (once again). Things might be going bad for Dom but at least he could have won his first game against his biggest rival and younger brother right? Wrong. At this point, Dom needs to start being awarded moral victories for reaching 75 points. He's currently entering Drew Fahrenz-levels of futility and with each growing week, people are starting to murmur. "Is he going 0-13?". Certainly a possibility at this point. Naturally, no one could have seen Jay Ajayi scoring 35 points but many would have guessed Will Fuller would be held scoreless when he was in street clothes all Sunday Night. Unfortunately, those draft picks can't be traded for points and it is the thing that Dom desperately needs the most. This upcoming week however, he is actually favored (!!!) against Start the Carr. If he really puts his mind to this one week, he can avoid the unspeakable, a winless season. Regardless, the license plate holder couldn't be any closer to Dom unless Aaron started parking his car next to Dom's bed.