Week 7 Recap: Winless No More

Two teams are firmly planted at the top after the dust settles after Week 7. With that in mind, the league is scattered with quality opponents. As seen below in the standings, Josh and Nick are atop their respective divisions while Dom and Chris both sit at 1-6. Since Dom is at 1-6, it means only one thing. Dom won an actual matchup. The nightmare is over (for now)! After two massive performances from Jay Ajayi and Jeremy Hill, he is finally on the board in 2016. Granted, he's well behind the 8-ball for a potential playoff spot, but he is hoping to make the most improbable of runs in league history. 

As we once again take a look at the standings, a few things jump out. First the resiliency of Will Gavin is duly noted. Constantly riddled with bad luck, he has been able to compete due to his duo of strong RB's (Anderson and Michael), AJ Green and other role players. If Carson Palmer returns to form, we can expect WG to be back in the playoffs in 2016. As for Joe and Brian, two of the league's preseason favorites, they are currently dealing with 3-4 records, in the 7th and 8th spots respectively. However, they have lineups that could certainly knock off a top seed if they stayed in those seeds for the rest of the season. Don't see it happening but you never know. The current bottom 4 features, Aaron, Chris, Chreeyusz and Dom. Chreeyusz and Aaron just can't see to build off any momentum they've gained this season and have their work cut out for them if they're going to get into the playoffs. With a convincing win, Vinnie has the 6th seed and is currently trending upwards with a few key additions starting to perform. This is a dangerous first-round matchup for any team, currently projected to face Dave in Round 1.

GAME OF THE WEEK

(3-4) Dirty Birds, Inc. - 110.9

(6-1) Brule's Rules - 151

All the smack talk that was sent in Nick's direction was kindly addressed by a stampede of majestic Colts. Before Brian knew what hit him, the Colts had finished dragging their collective nuts all over his team's chin to the tune of nearly 110 points. Andrew Luck was able to find Frank Gore, Jack Doyle and TY Hilton each for a touchdown and the rout was on. Isaiah Crowell performed in a spot start and with the strong pickup of Giants D, Nick finds himself at 6-1 with some nice separation from the division (two games over Will to be exact). Obviously, the team's success is directly correlated from Indianapolis but for now, it is working and he is 6-1. Jordy Nelson produced a rare dud but Larry Fitzgerald continues to provide constant production. With Tyler Eifert and Doug Martin returning to full health, feel free to steer clear of this squad. Unless the Colts' team plane vanishes out of thin air. "Great team win. Could have been better, but that's why we practice. We're centering our focus on the right goals and are halfway to achieving our main goal. Keyword is half. Lot of game left to be played and I'll be damned if we let a sliver of complacency sneak in now." Another tough test lies ahead for Nick as he faces his neighborhood-ally, EBDB BnB who is currently riding a 5-game winning streak.

Didn't go the way Brian had planned but thankfully this was a regular season matchup without much implication. Besides the bragging rights. However, there is still a chance these two teams will meet again in the postseason and the rematch will be as intense as usual. Julio Jones had himself a ball-game but it was simply not enough to keep pace with the Colts. Sitting three games behind Nick in the division, another crown may be out of reach but Brian is just worried about another shot at the real title. His team has the pieces to make another deep run but will he be able to sustain this output from his running backs in the later weeks? DeMarco Murray turned in another great performance while Jordan Howard's luster may have started to wear off with a dud against Green Bay. Gronk at full-health certainly makes things easier and if Matt Ryan continues to play at this level, there's nothing that can't be achieved this year. Next week, he looks to take a step back in the right direction against a struggling Team New Year.

(5-2) EBDB BnB - 114.6
(3-4) Team Ruthless - 87.7
"If Joe's kicker didn't beat his wife and my defense didn't play like the '85 Bears, we'd be having a different conversation right now." But they DIDN'T Dave! And because of that, you're 5-2 and only game behind the overall number one seed. One of the most impressive streaks in recent memory, after the defending champ fell into an 0-2 hole, no one panicked. Close, but no actual panicking took place. What did take place, was a stretch of great play from the reigning champ. Dave wanted to remind everyone who's top dog and it's hard to argue against. If he can pull off another win against Nick this week, he will have the league's full attention. However, he'll have to do it without Todd Gurley and a muddled QB situation, where Blake Bortles and Carson Wentz can't seem to figure it out when they're starting. Can Wentz or Bortles shine in their respective prime-time matchups and win the psuedo-QB battle currently taking place within the organization?

The Josh Brown saga is over in New York but apparently not with Team Ruthless. After some serious ignorance on behalf of Joe's staff, Brown was still employed by Team Ruthless going into Sunday's game. However, he wasn't on the Giants, therefore not even in the same country as the Giants (thankfully, for the women of London). Regardless, an early 0 posted by his vacant kicker set the tone for a miserable weekend for Joe. More than half of his players scored under 5 points and Dave ran away with another victory. Bell, Evans and Brees were the long bright spots and any other contributions from the rest of the team could have made this a close matchup. Back to the drawing board again for Joe who severely missed the services of Shady McCoy. Assuming he's back for next week, he'll hope to get back to .500 against the now 1-6 Shitty Beatles. After just completing a trade together, let's see who truly got the best of the deal. Joe however will be without his prized possession, Le'Veon Bell. 

(1-6) The Shitty Beatles - 120.8
(4-3) Start the Carr - 94.9
Maybe it IS just a clever name. The Beatles have won their first game of the season and it only took them 7 weeks, Dom, who came into the season as a preseason pick for the playoffs, lost his best player early and was never able to recover. Naturally, he began to stockpile draft picks and now he is finally starting to experience some production out of the diminished returns he received. However, these "throw-ins" in his trades aren't as bad they seem to be. Jay Ajayi was a late addition to the Edelman trade and once again went over 200 yards in a win over the Bills. Jeremy Hill, a throw in for the Drew Brees trade, went for nearly 200 yards on just 9 carries and that was enough to propel Dom to victory. Drew Brees was eventually flipped for Randall Cobb and Delanie Walker, also posting their best games of the season. Maybe Dom had the right idea all along? Hoping to start a legitimate winning streak, he'll face Joe, a team he supplied with players over the past few weeks. Let's see who truly won this Drew Brees trade.

All that work crafting a meme to show me that I was "wrong" about writing about how were an underdog to Dom could have been allocated to something else. After an upset win the week before over Nick, Ben was not able to sweep the Caputo's to improve to 5-2. His team underwhelmed with Terrance West falling back down to earth and waiver wire darling Cameron Meredith scoring 2 points (1.7). Spencer Ware turned in another great game but Ben has been waiting to unleash Jamaal Charles full time and with the continued performance of Ware, he must tread lightly on a weekly basis. This weekend, he'll face Will in a battle for Ohio, as Will is a resident of the Buckeye State as of Friday. Whoever wins this matchup will improve to 5-3 and can hopefully have the inside track at a playoff spot. Neither team made the postseason last year and will be going all-out to get a win this week. Here's what Ben had to say regarding his loss to Dom, "Very sad week for Start the Carr. Props to Dom for a tremendous week. 'The luck's just not swinging our way. We're not getting those breaks right now' - Hue Jackson".

(6-1) TY Beanies - 122.9
(1-6) Schenectady Schmeckles - 96.4
Another walk in the park for Josh. With another win, he inches closer to already clinching a playoff spot once again but he has his sights aimed much higher. The combination of David Johnson, Melvin Gordon and Gio Bernard proved to be too much for Chris. Josh's team is rolling right now and barring a major injury and Cam plays up to snuff, he'll be the odds-on favorite to win this entire thing. Alshon Jeffrey's inconsistency will be something to monitor going forward, as will new addition Travis Kelce not being able to make an impact. However, he is making an impact with the ladies. Tune in Wednesday nights at 10 on E! to watch Catching Kelce, as the star tight end looks for love from a group of willing females. (Disclaimer) Watched one episode and it was highly entertaining. Think of a less classy Bachelor with football themes. Anyways, Josh takes on Aaron this week and with the Steelers on a bye, should be another favorable matchup for the Beanies. A win gets him to 7-1, his best start ever and a lock on a high playoff spot.

Chris knew this week's matchup wouldn't be easy and by-golly, he was right. This one never really had a chance even after OBJ and Alshon posted duds. Aaron Rodgers posted a strong game, certainly a positive sign going forward, but it was the rest of the team that brought Chris down. His team has been decimated by injuries and when players like Terrelle Pryor aren't able to produce, he is in big trouble. LeGarrette Blount continues to be a driving force but he is all alone at the running back spot. With Eddie Lacy out and Arian Foster retired, he is down to two runnings back. One of them, is Knile Davis. Something must be done if he wants to compete the rest of the way. Facing Vinnie this week, it is an essential must-win game from here on out if he wants to return to the postseason. Expect some roster shuffling from Chris this week.

(4-3) Hogan Knows Best - 118.7
(3-4) Why You Pee On My Car? - 94.4
As mentioned above, Will has really been one of the surprises this season. When one of his two keepers went down early, many would have liked to write him off, especially after the injury to Thomas Rawls. Thankfully, CJ Anderson and handcuff Christine Michael have aided AJ Green to a 4-3 record. Free agent pickup Jamison Crowder continues to have an outstanding season, remaining penciled into the flex position on a weekly basis at this point. Carson Palmer is still shaking off the brain rust from that gruesome concussion and once he's back to 2015 form, this team is ready to finally win their first-ever franchise game as an organization. In all Will's years, he has never won a playoff game and he hopes to end that streak this instant. Only Chris Casey and Dom are the other owners who have yet to accomplish this feat in Slushie Sunday history.

Thankfully for Aaron, Marcus Mariota didn't snap his legs once he was entered into his lineup. The Flyin' Hawaiian actually played quite well on short notice but the rest of his lineup, did not. Surprisingly, in a move of solidarity, Antonio Brown was left on the bench with his good from Ben Roethlisberger, forcing Mike Wallace to start. Wallace had a strong game but the presence of Antonio Brown may have helped more. At least for Aaron, the QB stayed healthy but this week he'll be without AB84 in a huge matchup against Josh. These two have traded shots at one another all year and this should be a hotly-contested matchup even with Aaron's team banged up. Tevin Coleman also looks to be doubtful for Sunday. Aaron will definitely need to do some work on the waiver wire to pull off the huge upset. A loss would put him at 3-5 and on the outside of the current playoff picture. A win would give him impressive wins over Josh and Brian in the same season. Currently, Nick is the only one to accomplish this feat (humblebrag).

(3-4) Team New Year - 87.2
(3-4) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 127
A great bounceback win for a team on the brink. After a hot start to the season and some notable trades, Vinnie seems to have found his footing with an impressive victory over Chreeyusz. Team New Year may not have put up much of a fight but it must have been comforting for Vinnie to have a win in-hand by the afternoon games. Tom Brady is in rare form (shocking) and Matt Forte dialed up another huge performance to save Vinnie's and the Jets' seasons. The New Orleans duo of Cooks and Ingram have been lighting it up of late while Brandon Lafell, Kenny Stills and Ty Montgomery posted huge numbers sitting on the bench. After not having much depth, Vinnie certainly has made up for it via trades and the waiver wire. Martellus Bennett's run may have come to an end but if he can find a stable tight end, we're looking at a dangerous team to face later in the season. Holding the tiebreaker over Brian and Chreeyusz helps as well, as they all currently sit at 3-4 after seven weeks. In hopes of returning to .500, he'll take on his Upstate NY contemporary, Chris Casey in a battle for "The Lake". Both teams swapped QB's earlier this year and with each toting favorable matchups, expect some fireworks this weekend.

After all the smack talk and confidence from playing Dom last week, Chreeyusz laid an egg against Vinnie in an attempt to get back over .500. Chris can't seem to get any consistency from his team. Jameis has done a fine job filling in for Russell Wilson but Jarvis Landry and Allen Robinson (mainly, Allen Robinson) have yet to post huge games that he's been accustom to. Not keeping Mike Evans doesn't look great now but he still totes two of the best young receivers in the game, paired with Stefon Diggs. Once again, his running backs shit the bed as Matt Jones and Jerick McKinnon combined for less than 10 points. Thankfully, Jonathan Stewart is off bye and is hoping to create a spark for this roster as Landry is now on bye this weekend. He'll face Brian in another tough matchup, hoping to pull off a huge upset.

WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX-PACK PICKS: WEEK SEVEN EDITION

Another 5-1 week for Will and he's really starting to hit his stride. Be cautious from this point forward if he picks against you...

Last Week: 5-1

Record YTD: 18-18

Hogan Knows Best Vs. Why You Pee on My Car?

Winner: Hogan Knows Best

​AJ Green has another big week to lead the way for Will, who also gets steady production from the RB spot. For Aaron, the injury to Big Ben and demotion of Ryan Fitzpatrick sends him to the waiver wire for a QB. Big Ben’s injury hurts Antonio Brown, and Carlos Hyde may be nursing an injury as well. Aaron has as good a line-up as anyone in this league, but faces some bad luck for the second straight year. 

Brule’s Rules Vs. Dirty Birds Inc.

Winner: Dirty Birds Inc.

​Gronk is back and the Falcons (Matt Ryan/Julio Jones) continue to roll. They play the Chargers in a game that is bound to be high scoring. Jordy Nelson's torrid touchdown pace seems to have cooled off and Fitzgerald is matched up with the Seahawks. 

Team Ruthless Vs. EBDB BnB

Winner: Team Ruthless

​The Steelers will turn to Le’veon Bell even more with Landry Jones in the line-up, and Shady has been on fire for the Bills. Dave has a nice week, and scores 100+, but Joe’s team has started to heat up.

Sch’dy Schmeckles Vs. TY Beanies

Winner: TY Beanies

​For Chris, Lacy is unlikely to play and Terrelle Pryor is dealing with a hamstring injury. Even with Cam Newton and Zeke on bye, Josh wins easy.

Kissing Suzy Kolber Vs. Team New Year

Winner: Team New Year

​Jordan Reed's status is still uncertain. Matt Forte continues to lose work to Bilal Powell. Russ Wilson shines in primetime Sunday night and Allen Robinson has a nice matchup with the Raiders.

The Shitty Beatles Vs. Start the Carr

Winner: Start the Carr

​Jay Ajayi can’t put in a repeat performance against a solid Bills run D. Ben starts a pair of productive Chiefs running backs against the worse run defense in the league in the New Orleans Saints. 

Week 6 Recap: And Then There Was None

The dreams of our first ever perfect season are dashed. I'm sure all of you are as distraught as I am this morning but don't get too upset, I will bounce back. However, there is still one winless team left in the league an things are looking as bleak as ever. Sunday Night, Dom was surprised to see Will Fuller put up a zero but the bigger surprise came when I told him he wasn't even playing tonight. Brian, Josh and Joe all bounced back as the title contenders that they are Ben pulled off a huge upset to keep him right in the thick of things.

Dave pulled off a miraculous win but got a little help from Chris Casey as he forget to take out Kyle Rudolph although he was on a bye. A bold strategy that nearly paid off as Chris lost his matchup by .1 points (!!!). Easily the closest matchup in league history and has now lost 2 matchups by 1.7 point in his many weeks. An extremely devastating loss for a team that needed a win more than anyone not named Dom. This loss sets Chris back two games behind the 8th seed and it is a real logjam for the lower playoff spots. Currently, one team from the group of 3-3 squads will be watching the playoffs like a poor schmuck reading "Don't Kill Myself" books after a promising start. The playoff race will obviously sort itself out in the upcoming weeks but at this point, as the late philosopher (not dead) Kevin Garnett once said, "Anything is possible". Except Dom making the playoffs. I'm sorry, but you are the weakest link, goodbye (I always hated that lady from Weakest Link).

One final note on Dom. When looking through the stats yesterday, I happened to notice that while Dom's scored the least amount of points, he's also given up the most as well. By ALOT. 60 points more points scored against than Vinnie and right now, his opponents are scoring 135 points per game. The team may be struggling but that is unbelievably bad luck.

GAME OF THE WEEK

(4-2) Start The Carr - 96.5

(5-1) Brule's Rules - 77

Just when it looked as though Ben was going to regress back to .500, his team rallied around their owner and pulled off a huge upset to get back to 4-2. Unsung performances from Terrance West, Michael Thomas and Gary Barnidge (PUKE) were able to propel him to just enough points to get his 4th victory. This was an ugly game. Essentially an AFC South matchup. Vintage Jags-Titans matchup to wet the pallet of the league viewers. Certainly disappointed to many's standards but for Ben, he will gladly take an ugly win. Everything the kid touches turns to gold. The city of Cleveland is riding a 9-game playoff win streak and his team is more dodging bullets than Keanu Reeves in the early-2000's. One game back of Josh seems insurmountable at this point but a high playoff seed is still in his grasps. Next week, he takes on Dom in hopes to get to 5-2, a spot where not many thought was possible going into the season. To sum up his team's performance, he has this to say, "Despite some poor roster decisions (see Chiefs, RBs) and leaving some points on the bench, Start the Carr is happy to be 4-2. I'm gaining confidence with the core of my team with each passing week. In a great position."

Pretty much the worst possible scenario for Nick this weekend. His team completely falls on his face and the Raiders look like absolute shit. The run was bound to come to an end at some point and fortunately, it was due to his team simply having an off week. His band of receivers (normally good) had another off week and even the Four Horsemen (nickname I appointed to my Colts players) couldn't bale (horse pun) him out this weekend. No need to panic for Nick (unless I lose these next two matchups), his team isn't relatively healthy or playing to their capabilities and he's still 2 games up in his division. Andrew Luck continues to be the lifeblood of this team and even with the Colts' offensive line putting him in harm's way every time he drops back, Nick has remained faithful to the man that led him to his best season (and inevitably choking away a chance at B2B Super Bowl titles) and believes better weeks are ahead for Brule's Rules. He was short in his quote but congratulated his opponent after the matchup and preached consistency to his team in the postgame locker room speech. 

(3-3) Why You Pee On My Car? - 63.7
(3-3) Team Ruthless - 153.9
When his team seriously needed a victory to get back to .500, Joe's team delivered and then some on his birthday. His "Juice" jersey might have been the best present but the performance of his team was a close second. Putting up 154 was a great response to silence his doubters. Finally able to start Drew Brees, he did not disappoint, as him and Coby Fleener combined for 64 points and that alone was able to defeat Aaron. However, the rest of Team Ruthless was not finished. Not at all. LeSean McCoy continued his dominance with nearly 200 total yards and LeVeon Bell quietly chipped in 16 points. With Roethlisberger's injury (Aaron, once again, so sorry), Bell will be leaned on more heavily than a stereotypical cool guy on his muscle car in the upcoming weeks and it is exactly why Joe keeps that cannabis lover around. 

Well it's that time of the year, leaves are changing, pumpkins are being picked and Aaron's lost another QB to a tragic injury. Roethlisberger had a little scare Sunday afternoon after he limped off the field to end the first half but was fortunate to see his franchise QB come back for the second half. His matchup was already a blowout at that point but seeing his QB healthy was the first step. Then, disaster struck. Apparently Ben's meniscus was resembling Aaron's current playoff chances...torn. He may be out for only a few weeks but he is now faced with another season without a consistently healthy QB. Will he turn to his man Fitz in a pinch (nope, nevermind..wrote this before MNF)? His team certainly has the makings of a playoff roster regardless but the Ben-Brown connection was carrying him thus far. Last season he went with T-Mobile (got hurt), Romo (also hurt) and countless others to fill the gap and those guys might have actually died (someone fact-check that). Understandably, Aaron was upset with his usual misfortune but he still had faith. Here's what he had to say, "Worse than the Madden Curse. Any QB I have will get injured. Mark it down, whoever starts next week will go down and the season will go down the tubes. Team Ruthless had a hell of a week but as the great Farmer Fran said...We live to play anodda day."

(1-5) Schenectady Schmeckles - 83.1
(4-2) EBDB BnB - 83.2
My goodness what a win for Dave. Bailed out by Chris' decision to start Kyle Rudolph on bye, he nearly lost his winning streak. Two more yards for any of Chris' players would have done the job or a tight end from last night's shit show of a Monday Night game would have pushed Dave to his first loss since September. However, Harambe was once again in Dave's corner, squeaking out the closest of victories to keep pace with Josh in the AFC alongside Benny Football. At this rate, there is a 110% chance there is a Harambe shrine sitting in Dave's closet like Helga in Hey Arnold. The team that everyone was ready to write-off after a slow start is now back to 4-2 and looking to defend his crown for the innocent gorillas still remaining in captivity. A big test lies ahead in Week & however for Dave. Two or his main weapons, (Third Leg) Greg Olsen and Kelvin Benjamin will be on bye and Joe's team comes to town after posting a huge Week 6 blowout. This could certainly be a potential first round playoff matchup and all eyes should be diverted to this game during the weekend. Here's Dave after the nailbiter of a finish, "Compare my team's performance this week to a cheap hooker. It wasn't pretty but it got the job done."

You can't lose one worse than Chris did this week. Granted, his decision to not switch Rudolph out of his lineup cost him but the fact that he finally caught Dave on an off-week and still couldn't cash in perfectly sums up his season thus far. Aaron Rodgers looked promising last week but put up another lackluster performance in primetime against Dallas. If not for just one of his costly turnovers, Chris would have won this matchup even without Rudolph. Now sitting at 1-5, two games behind the final playoff spot, it is now do or die time for the Schmeckles. Still toting a potent lineup, he desperately needs a win this week to keep his dreams of back-to-back postseason berths alive. However, next week's matchup will be against Josh and that is a mountain that I don't think even Jake Gyllenhaal could climb (Everest joke).

(5-1) TY Beanies - 165.8
(2-4) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 94.3
"Don't get comfortable. That's what I told my boys heading into Sunday's games. Breaking records in Slushie Sunday's comes with a huge bullseye on our back and we must defend our turf next week against the Schmeckles. God Bless." Another week and another spanking doled out by Josh and TY Beanies. As I write this, Josh has officially turned 26 and as the Father of the league, he abused his younger leaguemate mercifully, led by David Johnson and Ezekiel Elliott. The only thing stopping those two at this point is oncoming traffic and that might not be enough. David Johnson has entered Ladanian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson levels of dominance through 6 weeks and Elliott is not far behind. Pair those two with Cam Newton, Odell Beckham and Melvin Gordon and you have a team destined for fantasy immortality. This blueprint of stockpiling draft picks can only give Dom a slimmer of hope for next season. Next week, without Elliott and Newton, he still has a favorable matchup against a desperate Schmeckles roster. A convincing win this week should supplant Josh as the Super Bowl favorite. Which we all know DEFINITELY ends up being the one holding the title at years end. No pressure Josh and have a great B-Day. Don't spend your Social Security check all at once you old bastard!

Another rough week for the brain trust at Kissing Suzy Kolber. After making waves with multiple trades, the excitement has begun to fizzle, dropping to 2-4. However, Brady looks great and should be the driving force for Vinnie to get back into the playoff conversation. Currently positioned at 10th, it's all about pushing the right buttons. Like "move" and "Jordan Reed" and "move to bench". Reed was suffering from a concussion and it appears the concussion protocol should have extended to process of filling out the lineup. Didn't really matter much this week but must be something in the water up in LG when it comes to Tight End mismanagement. Anyways, Vinnie, desperately looking to avoid 2-5 heads to visit Team Chreeyusz in a huge matchup for a potential playoff spot. Here's what he had to say after the loss, "Ahh member...member that time I beat Brian? Oh! Yeah member? Blowout, member? Everybody loved that, member?". Unbelievable quote from one of the finest talkers in the league.

(3-3) Hogan Knows Best - 154.8
(3-3) Dirty Birds, Inc. - 88.3
Here's what Brian had to say about his team's win, (Warning: Graphic) "Will had no right speaking to a Fantasy God on Sunday morning. He was clearly punished for it. I f***** him so hard **** came on SNF when Miller went off. The Dirty Birds **** is hard. It's a full on ******* and ready to f*** Brule's Rules from behind this week. Hope you have lube Nick otherwise it's going to be a painful Sunday for you." Dear god, hide the damn children. Will I apologize for allowing this to be posted but that's the hard-hitting journalism we pride ourselves on at the Slushie Sundays Times. Anyways, Brian shitbombed all over Will this weekend and Matt Ryan and Julio Jones were the main culprits. Just smear it in Will's face, Lamar Miller popped off 30+ points to officially deficate on his team's grave. Classic Brian. Next week, it's the Game of the Week against Nick. The oldest rivalry in fantasy football is revived. A win for Nick would give him a comfortable 3-game advantage on Brian but a win for the Dirty Birds could make the division even tighter. Really looking forward to this one.

Apparently Will crossed the line by telling Brian "Good Luck". Obviously it triggered Brian enough to blow him away in Week 6. Now back at 3-3, Will looks to avoid starting the dreaded losing streak with his team primed for a big performance. Lumped in with the rest of the 3-3 teams, he would currently be out of the playoffs if the season ended today. Thankfully, it doesn't get much easier with a big matchup this weekend against Aaron who is hungry for a win to keep his head above water after the Roethlisberger injury. Carson Palmer is still not 100% and Will is still struggling to find a complimentary receiver for AJ Green after the injury to Sammy Watkins. If Will can get back over .500, he has a chance to gain ground in the standings with winnable matchups against Ben and Dom lurking.

(3-3) Team New Year - 93
(0-6) The Shitty Beatles - 51.8
Boy, was Chris ever looking forward to this matchup to pad the stats. Desperately needing a win to keep pace after a blowout loss. Dom handed him his 3rd victory without having to exert much effort. Jarvis Landry provided a solid game while Allen Robinson and Russell Wilson were unable to take advantages of favorable matchups. Didn't really matter much, as Chris finds himself right in the thick of the playoff hunt. Jonathan Stewart returned in strong fashion and Matt Jones posted a massive game against Philly and Team New Year is looking as complete as ever. For years, he struggled to lock down consistent running backs and may have it with this duo. If Willie Snead of Stefon Diggs can provide a consistent flex, we are looking at a sneaky team that could fly under the radar. Week 7 has him without Stewart but a chance to get him fully healthy is crucial. With Kissing Suzy Kolber coming to town, he hopes to get back to over .500 and to keep pace with the division and take a huge step towards making the playoffs. After the win, he did not hold back on his opponent. Ethering Dom and Josh (don't think he forgot last week) to a pile of ashes. "It was a good win this week against the league punching bag but I'm more concerned about last week and don't think I forgot Josh...knock knock." Chris is begging for a shot at redemption against Mommy Slut.

Shitty Beatles indeed (once again). Things might be going bad for Dom but at least he could have won his first game against his biggest rival and younger brother right? Wrong. At this point, Dom needs to start being awarded moral victories for reaching 75 points. He's currently entering Drew Fahrenz-levels of futility and with each growing week, people are starting to murmur. "Is he going 0-13?". Certainly a possibility at this point. Naturally, no one could have seen Jay Ajayi scoring 35 points but many would have guessed Will Fuller would be held scoreless when he was in street clothes all Sunday Night. Unfortunately, those draft picks can't be traded for points and it is the thing that Dom desperately needs the most. This upcoming week however, he is actually favored (!!!) against Start the Carr. If he really puts his mind to this one week, he can avoid the unspeakable, a winless season. Regardless, the license plate holder couldn't be any closer to Dom unless Aaron started parking his car next to Dom's bed.

WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX-PACK PICKS: WEEK SIX EDITION

Went 5-1 in last week’s unofficial predictions. Don’t believe me? I guess I’ll have to do it again..

Last Week: 5-1

Record YTD: 13-17

*Editor's Note*

Yeaaaa, we're sorry. Totally forgot to post Will's picks last week. They are now available on the blog and yes, he did go 5-1 last week. Now I have full confidence in him again.

Dirty Birds Inc. Vs. Hogan Knows Best

Winner:  Dirty Birds Inc. 

​Two primetime games on Thursday night and Monday night accentuate some of my roster’s assets as Carson Palmer gets right against the Jets on Monday night. Unfortunately, it turns into a high scoring affair and Brian scores plenty of points to pull it out as Gronk truly gets back to full form.

Team New Year Vs. The Shitty Beatles

Winner: Team New Year

​Jarvis Landry bounces back from a weak performance with a 20+ point game. The Panthers D gives up big points for Dom to Drew Brees in New Orleans.

TY Beanies Vs. Kissing Suzy Kolber

Winner:  TY Beanies

​Josh’s roster currently starts 3 of the top 5 fantasy running backs in the league. Tough to compete with that kind of baseline coming into every game. Tom Brady scores big again, but Josh wins in a close one. 

EBDB BnB Vs, Sch’dy Schmeckles

Winner: EBDB BnB

​Dave, last year’s champ, continues to play with a chip on his shoulder after his 0-2 start. Carson Wentz looks like he has repaired Dave’s QB woes. The Schmeckles have gotten some bad luck to start the year, and this team will rely on big points from the Packers offense to win each week. 

Why You Pee on My Car Vs. Team Ruthless

Winner: Why You Pee on My Car

​The Steelers' matchup with the Dolphins this week. Eric Decker is out of the picture = even more targets for Brandon Marshall. Fozzy Whittaker may be competing with a returning Jonathan Stewart for snaps, and Dez’s status is still up in the air.

Brule’s Rules Vs. Start the Carr

Winner: Start the Carr

​Nick's 4(!) Colts play against a pretty good Houston defense. This one will depend on how much work Jamaal Charles gets. He claims he’s ready to take the “training wheels” off and if that’s true then the Cookie Man could be looking at a signature win.

Week Five Recap: Blowout City

We are in the thick of it now gentlemen. No turning back from here. After another tumultuous and painstaking week due to trades and rule changes, the league was hoping to bounce back with some good, hearty matchups. They got the complete opposite of that. Just a complete crock of shit for a decent amount of teams. Thankfully, this wasn't in the second half of the season where the games really start to intensify.

By now, an owner should know what to expect from their rosters. Acquisitions have been made, waivers have been claimed and injuries have plagued the league once again. The amount of adversity faced in a fantasy season only pales in comparison to the actual NFL but that's why we play the game. A glimpse at what it's really like to build a real team. Some more than others, have relished their opportunities, creating a winning institution to be constantly feared. Some, fly by the seats of their pants, making each year a total crapshoot in a win-or-bust mentality. 

The trade deadline is rapidly approaching and now is the time where the elite managers separate themselves. Lineup decisions get difficult, roster management becomes ever so crucial to provide proper depth, all while keeping an eye out for trades and the opportunity to build future equity via draft picks. We've seen some fireworks thus far and I would expect more of the same (controversy withholding) in the upcoming weeks. And for those teams truly struggling (Dom and Chris), it may look bleak but just remember only 5 wins can get you into the playoffs. It has happened before and would not be surprised if it happened again. Don't give up hope just yet, plenty of game to be played. Peep the standings below and see how TIGHTTTTT it is from spots 3-10.

GAME OF THE WEEK

(2-3) Kissing Suzy Kolber - 123.5

(2-3) Dirty Birds, Inc. - 91.7

In an essentially must-win game, Vinnie dialed up the man that has arguably caused him the most grief on a football in his entire life. That's right, Mr. Tom Brady. After trading away Aaron Rodgers to get a taste of Tommy, it has paid off with a season saving win against Brian. Not to be outdone, backup TE Martellus Bennett delivered arguably the biggest game of his career, finishing with over 30 points and three scores. The stars truly aligned for Vinnie but he realizes there is still more work to do. After being dealt vicious blows with injuries to Decker and Charles Sims, they stood in the face of adversity and took a shit on Brian's chest. Even Matt Asiata was able to get in on the action with 17 points. Not the usual suspects for Vinnie but this is a completely new team and he certainly will not squander the opportunity for role players elevating their role on KSK. Vinnie had this to say after the upset victory, "Brian runs a winning organization. Year in and year out, so going in I felt this would be a great litmus test for where KSK was in our reload. Brian didn't show up which is unfortunate and not indicative of his team, but our guys did what they needed to do to overcome the obstacles of the week. Now we're onto Mommy Slut. Trust the process." Can Vin slay another beast in Week 6?

It was a pretty miserable weekend for Brian in terms of fantasy but things are certainly looking up in other facets of life. The Falcons pulled out a great win in Denver and he's now officially off the market. However, this isn't match.com, it's a fantasy website and the fact of the matter is, he's 2-3. Probably no need to panic but after a while, you would expect him to turn on the switch right? Gronk put up a typical Gronk performance but unfortunately he was stuck on the bench while his backup, was in the matchup and leading to his defeat. There is a silver-lining, the Falcons have a few more tough matchups until their schedule gets more manageable and it appears Brian has found a stud in Chicago's Jordan Howard. Most likely, he'll be in the thick of things as the season winds down but stranger things have happened. Here's Brian on the loss this weekend, "Lack of consistency and that c-sucker Tom Brady are the reasons I lost this week. We need to start stringing some wins together. Especially these next two weeks where we play the two best teams (by record). Thor's C*** Hammer will officially be retired and the new team name will be....Dirty Birds, Inc. (LLC)." Two pivotal division matchups for Brian lie ahead, will his team answer the challenge?

WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX-PACK PICKS: WEEK FIVE EDITION

So I finished 2-4 during Week 4, guess who’s trending up? But seriously, I apologize for the 8-16 atrociousness on the year so far. To be fair, if we remove the 4 games I’ve been in myself (in which I have been 0-4..) that makes my record 8-12 which is.. yeah I get it, it’s still pretty bad. Bye weeks are upon us in full force, and we enter the part of the season where who you start/sit will make a huge difference. Anyways, here’s my picks for the week:

Record YTD: 8-16

Last Week: 2-4

Brule’s Rules Vs. TEAM RUTHLESS

Winner: Brule’s Rules

​Joe has Seattle D, his new acquisitions of Drew Brees and Coby Fleener on bye, and Dez Bryant’s status is shaky. The Colts play the Bears, and should score some points this week. Nick continues to roll to the tune of 5-0.

TY Beanies Vs. Team New Year

Winner: TY Beanies

​Again, byes make a big impact this week. Allen Robinson and Russ Wilson on bye for Chris, and Josh with seemingly a full line-up. Josh moves to 4-1.

The Shitty Beatles Vs. Why You Pee on My Car?

Winner: Why You Pee on My Car?

​Aaron’s acquisition of Edelman makes a big difference this week with Brady’s return. His team looks to be a serious contender with this trade and the emergence of Jimmy Graham in the Seattle offense. Dom will need some big unexpected games from a few players to pull out a win this week. 

Start The Carr Vs. EBDB BnB

Winner: EBDB BnB

​Tevin Coleman’s sickle cell disease means Devonta Freeman may get heavy RB duties. Despite it being against the Broncos, he scores and adds to a bounce back week from Deandre Hopkins. Ben looks to start a pair of Philly RB’s, and will need nice games from both to stay in this one. 

Sch’dy Schmeckles Vs. Hogan Knows Best

Winner: Hogan Knows Best

​Will hopes that good matchups for James White and Brian Hoyer can help piece together a win this week. For Chris, Rodgers and Lacy go up against a Giants D that has impressed so far, although the Packers are fresh off of a bye week, so this one is anyone’s guess.

Kissing Suzy Kolber Vs. Thor’s C*** Hammer

Winner: Thor’s C*** Hammer

​Mark Ingram and Brandin Cooks are on bye, but Vinny does get Brady back in a glorious matchup against the Browns. Brian’s pair of Falcons travel to Denver to see if they can keep their hot streak alive. Demarco Murray continues to look like the best fantasy RB in the game.

Week Four Recap: Lonely At The Top

Nearly a third of the regular season in the books and the league is finally starting to fall into place. After a bevvy of trades have rocked the league early on, teams are now able to get a serious look into what to expect for the rest of the year. However, a few owners (Dom) will most likely be looking to conduct a firesale. Be on the look out for more trade offers flying in. I believe this most recent week was the most active in league history.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the trade fiasco that essentially split the league in two for a brief moment. However, I was impressed with the league's ability to show unity and move on from this issue in a civil manner. When the dust cleared, Josh ended up with Cam Newton, Odell Beckham and a loss of his highly-touted depth. Still toting the best lineup in the league, Brian was able to obtain Matt Ryan to pair with Julio Jones and it appears this will be a lethal combination for the rest of the year. Not to be outdone, Dom did in fact commence his fire sale and unloaded a plethora of talent for picks next season. Although it once again brought the league to the brink of destruction, they were able to adjust themselves and establish trade guidelines.

The season enters it's second "quarter/third/some fraction" I guess you could say the desperation stinks for some like a port-a-potty at a Phish tailgate. We've seen fire sales that would make the Florida Marlins question their roster management philosophies and so many draft picks dealt you would think they could saved up and spent at the local gentlemen's club. We see it every year but it's always different teams involved and I find that interesting to see the dynamic shift on an annual basis. 

Finally, I would like to dedicate this post to a certain league member that won't hop off my male anatomy regarding the submission status of said article *cough* (Brian). I realize you enjoy reading them as much as I fancy the pleasure to right them (slips gun inside mouth) but you must realize that this recap is a delicate piece of art (and a real bitch to format). Starting today, I will be accepting resumes for a ghost writer to assist with the upcoming weeks to allow my thoughts and witty humor to be neatly and efficiently spilled out onto this canvas (standard blogging site) like Michaelangelo creating the imagery of the Sistine Chapel. Please spread the word amongst your professional networks because I am looking for the best and brightest to shadow me and put my thoughts into a summary that is deemed fit for this great league. Also, we do not offer college credit and it is not paid. Thanks!

Please send applications to SlushieSundaysHR@hotmail.com

GAME OF THE WEEK

(4-0) TY Beanies - 91.2

(3-1) Brule's Rules - 102.6

Dodging bullets left and right has become Nick's mantra during his fantasy career and he avoided a few more this weekend. While Josh was assembling his Super Team, Nick was laying in the weeds hoping to strike. After a great lead provided by the Colts was nearly squandered, Nick hung around just enough to give himself a chance going into the Monday Night Game. Josh's new prized receiver could not deliver however and Brule's Rules remains at 4-0. This is not uncommon territory for Nick, a few years prior, he had a 6-0 start before he was upset by Brian in the Super Bowl. His team has not reached it's full potential and it has to see more from his wide receivers. Frank Gore has continued to be a rock for his squad and Andrew Luck is surely to give Nick an ulcer watching his games the rest of the year. Hoping to keep the momentum going, he'll face Joe in an attempt to get to 5-0 for the third time in his career. No comment this week from Nick but he wishes Josh all the best going forward (until he beats him again in the Playoffs).

Well the first week with his revamped roster could not have gone worse for Josh. Cam Newton got his skull pulverized and Odell Beckham let a rookie cornerback rent out all the real estate in his head. After such promise, especially to me, for a beatdown, he was held under 100 points and suffered his first loss of the season. Assuming Cam is only out for maybe a game, his team will still be in great shape going forward but this was definitely not the debut Josh was hoping for. Next week, he's going to face Chreeyusz looking to bounce back with a vengeance. Usually a tough out, Chris will be without Russell Wilson and Allen Robinson. Josh will hope to relish the opportunity of keeping his share of the division lead for now. When asked about his rare low-scoring performance, Josh had this to say, "This loss is on the captain, Stephen (Gostkowski, -1 points). A normal game from him would have secured the victory. It's back to the drawing board for next week." I guess that's the risk you take when making a kicker your team's captain.