Week 4 Recap: Extreme Parity - Slushie Sundays Edition

Undefeated teams are no longer. Winless teams are no longer either. As we all expected, this league is more balanced that recent years. Since we're doing the videos now (please watch), I'll cut down the write up just to get the main event. 

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Taco Corp - 137.9

Destroy Him - 97.5

Coming into the season, these were two teams that received a great deal of criticism after years of futility in their career. However, this year has been completely different. Last week, Dave took on Brian and for a while, he stood toe-to-toe with him for a majority of the matchup. This week, he finally knocked off the undefeated team as he went into Dom's house and threw him around. Now, Dave holds the top spot in the division based off of tiebreakers and is hoping to keep rolling as the season progresses. His career high in wins is 7 and he looks as though he's a lock to set several franchise records. Devonta Freeman once again carried Dave's squad as Drew Brees returned to put up a strong game against Dallas. If Drew Brees can stay healthy there is a strong chance Dave will be playing extremely late into the season. It is unclear if Freeman can replicate his current success but Dave will ride it as long as possible. When asked to comment on his squad, the shoe-in for Coach of the Year said:

"I'm dominating right now."

How can you not root for this guy?!? Dave's season continues next week against Josh, another one of his past rivals. Taco Corp will be out for blood.

Number one back in the league (statistically), Dave is a happy man.

The undefeated dream may have come to an end but even in an off week, Dom has to be satisfied with his roster. Last season, he eeked out most of his wins in low-scoring affairs but this is a new year. This loss now places him in a three-way tie with Aaron and Dave for first place but the fact that he's in this position already is ac testament to his strong offseason. He has proven to be able to put up points with the likes of anyone and as he keeps pace with Brian in the division race, that hyped-up matchup between the two could be the deciding factor for playoff seeding. Without much comment, Dom simply had this say when asked about the next week:

"We're on to Suzy Kolber"

Have to admire Dom channeling his inner-Belichick but it will be an extremely tough task this week without the help of Cam Newton and Adrian Peterson. A win against Vinnie would validate his strong start to the season already.

Dom looking back at the rest of the division like...

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Taco Corp over Destroy Him - 40.4 Points

Upset of the Week:

- Team New Year over Date Rape Bill Crosby

Most Points Scored ($10 for Week 4): 

- Taco Corp - 137.6 Points

Least Points Scored: 

- Kissing Suzy Kolber - 68.5 Points

Sweet Drippins - 81.4

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 68.5

CJ Spilluhhhh (Stephen A. Smith voice) had to have been Aaron's reaction of the hyugeee (Donald Trump voice) catch and run in overtime to beat the Cowboys and ultimately seal his victory against Kissing Suzy Kolber. Both teams struggled once again but a win nonetheless for a team that lost both of their prized QBs in successive weeks. Tyrod Taylor was tabbed to fill the void and underperformed against the Giants. Antonio Brown's value has severely diminished without Vick but Aaron simply has to bide time until Big Ben comes back. Picking up his 3rd win this early in the season is another big step towards making the postseason once again.

"Sneaked the win by this week. Much respect to Vin and good luck to him the rest of the week. Survive and Advance."

Next week, Aaron takes on another struggling team in Veto Corleone. The more Aaron can rack up wins with Roethlisberger injured, the better suited he is for a high playoff seed, something he has yet to accomplish in his tenure.

This GIF should sum up this matchup perfectly.

You'd be hard-pressed to find a team struggling more than KSK right about now. Even with possessing Aaron Rodgers and Odell Beckham, it has been a nightmare season just trying to get points on the board. Once again, his complimentary players did him no favors as his quote eloquently states:

"Bottom line, my team's not very good. We're top heavy, so we need the show ponies to perform to be competitive. Didn't do myself any favors this week as I left some bench points on the sidelines. But we've got a bigger gaping hole at the WR2 spot than a Kim Kardashian home movie. Each week were substantially reducing our margin of error for the rest of the season, but still confident we'll be a tough out in December."

Vinnie's message to the rest of the league.

Next week, Vinnie takes on a tough opponent in Dom. It will be interesting due to the fact that Vinnie dealt Dom his star players in the offseason. The picks Vinnie received have not produced to their potential and Team Destroy Him is rising up the standings. An upset win is what is needed to jumpstart his season.

Prestige Worldwide - 113.6

Schenectady Schmeckles - 83.6

Myself, along with everyone else did not see this performance coming from the sad sack of running backs. His usual name change switch proved successful as "Prestige Worldwide" has potentially sparked some new life in the roster (insurance: black leather gloves). The secret to the success could be Nick's relentless Research and Development, putting in the man hours to understand the science of Fantasy Football. It was a nice start but Nick can't get too excited over a few unexpected performances. I asked (myself) about the win and had to say (to myself):

"Well I won't lie I was shocked. Seeing Rashad Jennings thrown on his head earlier in the game was a fitting image for my team's current state but then I saw him streak down the sidelines to pad my lead. I won't lie to you, the living room got a little dusty as my eyes started to well up with hope. Yes, a NEW HOPE. Can this rag-tag group of misfits get me to the playoffs? I honestly do not know, but wins like this feel good and I hated the idea of being under .500 for once in my life and the new name change suits me. We're a small upstart company (Prestige Worldwide) and we're certainly looking for investors to "buy low". So yes, please send me your players and fantasy buy-in money. Investors? Possibly YOU!"

The depleted Schmeckles fought as hard as they could but it just wasn't enough this weekend. Arian Foster's return will provide a spark for the upcoming weeks and with losses to Brian and Dom, he remains only one game off the pace for 1st place in the division. Chris was unavailable for comment but I'm sure it would simply be a reminder that the Patriots have already had their bye week and now the rest of the league will have to face the wrath of Brady. Tied for 2nd in the division right now, he's hoping to get back to his winning ways against Chreeyusz in order to match last season's win total.

Chris' lineup with Foster in addition to all those Patriots...

The Upper Deckers - 88.9

Fucking ThunderC**t - 104.5 

What a return on the trade for Randall Cobb already. Keenan Allen scored once again, TY Hilton appears to have regained his old form and Ameer Abdullah has been a breath of fresh air to compliment Latavius Murray. With Ryan Tannehill and the Dolphins struggling (Fuck you Dorpheeen!), Andy Dalton (Slushie Bowl III MVP) has been picking up the pace is on pace for a Top-5 season at QB. 

"I really like the direction our team is headed right now. We showed the critics who picked us to lose by 30 why we're a team to be reckoned with. We still have plenty of work to do to face the powerhouse Taco Corp this week but I know our boys are excited more than ever. Thank you for your time. God Bless."

Josh faces one of his former rivals (still may have some tension) in Taco Corp this weekend. Dave is well aware that Josh has previously voted for his team to be banned from the league and we know that is bulletin-board material for the offices at Taco Corp.

"KEEEENANNN!!"

Another rough one from the Upper Deckers. They're currently playing like the true meaning of the name (a shit in the water tank of the toilet, if you weren't aware). Will's team got a nice boost from Justin Forsett but the loss of Marshawn Lynch did him in once again. I asked resident Dr. James "Jimmy" William Gavin about his team's play and he told me:

"Very unhappy with the state of my team at the current moment. We have fallen short the last few weeks despite solid team performances, but this week was really discouraging. My superstars have been anything but this season (cough, DeMarco Murray). A team name change to rebrand the organization may be in store this week so keep your eyes peeled."

Next week, Will unveil's his new team name (spoiler alert, it's the Super Mario-ta Brothers) and hopes to recapture his winning ways. However, a team in the form of Bowser (fat joke) stands in his way as he plays Nick in what is a pivotal for both franchises. A win gets Will some breathing room but a loss could put him behind the 8-ball for a potential playoff berth.

Marshawn's (and Will's) playoff preview if his back doesn't heal...

The Apocalypse - 96.1

Veto Corleone - 94.8

Is Joe back? Yes, Joe's back. After another rough start to a season, Joe has found a way back to .500 already and has his team in prime position to get back into the upper tier of the Slushie Sundays league. Yes, his team only squeaked out a win this weekend but he's also missing one of his big guns in LeSean McCoy. Karlos Williams has been a nice improvement but even he's banged up this week. Randall Cobb didn't need to do much against the Niners but he has the capability to carry Joe's receiving core. Yesterday, he made another splash by dealing Frank Gore (his unsung hero for the week) for Lamar Miller. Only problem is that he's on a bye. When he talked about his team, Joe had this to say:

"Any week I score under 100 points it's panic time. Injuries are catching up and the free agents list is looking slim to none for starting talent. Just barely squeaked out a victory Veto (Ben) and next on the list is Date Rape Bill Crosby (Brian). I will never count myself out but with neither McCoy or Williams fully guaranteed of health to play, I'm not excited to see the probable outcome this time next week."

Next week, Joe has his toughest test of the season against Brian. To prove that his team is truly "back", he will need a very strong showing, led by his workhorse, Le'Veon Bell.

Joe's reaction to Golden Tate's final reception Monday Night.

After a miraculous comeback last week, Veto couldn't muster up anymore magic against Joe this week. CJ Anderson once again was completely useless while. Golden Tate really gave him a run for his money but at the last second, he hauled in a 20-yard pass to seal the loss for the Cookie Man. Ben Fontana figured to use his good friend Mike Pettine's own words to express his frustration but at the same time, wanted to inspire hope in his squad.

"Clearly a frustrating finish. The guys were out there battling at the end...I'm proud of them. We made too many mistakes, penalties, missed assignments here and there...You can't do that against a quality quarterback like that ...It's a loss. We're 1-3. We own that. We're going to do what we know how to do: Bunker in and get back to football." - Mike Pettine" - Ben Fontana

He has an excellent shot of getting back on track this week as he faces a depleted roster of Sweet Drippins. The trio of Broncos have a favorable matchup against the Raiders defense (sigh) and hopefully CJ Anderson can do SOMETHING.

Bruh: The CJ Anderson 2015 Story

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 74.4

Team New Year - 92.6

Just the massive upset Chris was looking for. Although his team didn't play great, they gutted out a huge victory. His team is still struggling but he'll take this win more than anything as this current juncture. Should've seen the look on the kid's face as he knew that he sealed the deal for win #1. Now, after a very rocky start, he's only two games out of the top spot and is tied with three other owners who sit at 1-3. Russell Wilson continues to play incredible while young talent like Allen Robinson and Jeremy Hill are truly starting to pay dividends this year. Next week, Lil Chreeyusz faces division opponent the Schenectady Schmeckles in a chance to move up the ladder in the AFC.

3 TDs this week for Jeremy. What does he have in store for an encore?

I guess you can call this one the "Chris Ivory Game". Brian wasn't able to get up quick enough to plug him into his lineup instead of Matt Jones (BUST). Thus, one of the main reasons for his first loss of the season. However, at full strength, his lineup remains one of the most feared in the league, if not the most. Sitting at 3-1, B-Rye is tied for the division lead with his newfound rival (and competition) Dom and has to remain the odds on favorite for winning the title. I asked Brian about the first loss of the year and he had this to say:

"I thought I'd be more upset but then I realized it's about the end game. The repeat. Time to get back on track. Also, congrats to Chreeyusssszzz on his first win."

An interesting strategy from Brian, modesty and graciousness in defeat. I was surprised, I was expecting scorched Earth in his quote but he realizes that he has to keep a cool head and have his eyes on the prize.

Falcons are 4-0, Brian's 3-1. It's all good.