WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX-PACK OF PICKS: WEEK EIGHT EDITION

He's backkkkk.

Schenectady Schmeckles Vs. Destroy Him:

Schenectady Schmeckles- Chris’s team continue to ride high on the Patriots success this season. Brady looks like a man 10 years younger, and Chris’s team has managed to score big time points all year. Thursday night football turns into a shootout as the revamped Miami Dolphins hang with the Pats. Watch out for his team come playoff time. Dom needs big time points from Cam Newton come Monday night, but he doesn’t quite come through.

Taco Corp Vs, The Apocolypse:

Taco Corp- Even if Dez plays for Joe Sunday, he sees limited snaps and targets against the Seahawks secondary. Dave has back a healthy Alshon Jeffery, and a scary roster with 2 of the top ranked running backs that is projected 130 points this week. Barring injuries, Dave has to be a favorite down the stretch

Veto Corleone Vs. Team New Year:

Veto Corleone- Ben rides the Cardinals offense as they put a beating on his beloved Cleveland Browns. Mike Evans comes back down to the earth and gives a single digit performance. 

Kissing Suzy Kolber Vs. The Dirty Birds:

The Dirty Birds- Brian’s combo of Matt Ryan and Julio Jones have an easy matchup this week against the Bucs, and give a big performance. Lamar Miller has another big performance, getting back to the form he showed at the end of last season. Rodgers is efficient, but quiet against a stout Broncos defense. Despite a big performance from Keenan Allen, it’s not quite enough for Vinnie.

Sweet Drippins Vs. Super Mario-ta Brothers

Sweet Drippins- This never ending season continue its trend as Aaron hits his season high in points with a huge performance from Big Ben and Antonio Brown. Will puts up 110+ and loses, F*ck me right?

Prestige Worldwide Vs. TY Beanies

Prestige Worldwide- Brandin Cooks finally delivers and goes for 2 touchdowns and 30+ points. Joshs running backs play each other in an ugly game(against two of the better defenses in the league) and combine for less than 20 points. 

Week 6 Recap: Leaders Break Away From Pack

As the league nears it's halfway point, the playoff teams start to rise to the top and the playoff picture becomes more clear. Two teams lead the way at 5-1 as Dave and Dom continue to be the surprise stories of the season as they each ripped off two impressive wins. Since Brian and Dom play later in the season, there isn't much standing in their way from here on out. Could you imagine a championship featuring these two squads? Right now, it seems like the odds on favorite but a few teams will stand in the way. For now, each team is enjoying their success but also remaining focus on the task ahead.

For the teams at 2-4 and lower, it may seem bleak but there is hope. Well, in Will's case, not necessarily. A 1-5 team has never made it to the playoffs but one must think The Super Mariota Brothers have a strong enough lineup to get back to the postseason but he has to take it one game at a time. As for the 2-4 teams, there have been several examples of teams coming back to make the postseason at this point. Currently, the 8th seeded team is also 2-4 which means someone will improve on this trend. In the past three seasons, 50% of the teams that are 2-4 after Week 6 go on to make the playoffs. This also includes a young Jew by the name of Eddie Hecker, who was in the same scenario in his rookie season and miraculously cashed in his Hanukkah wishes with a spot in the Slushie Bowl. My point is, don't give up on the season (and your dreams!) now. But if you lose next week, it's basically over (2-5 team has never made the postseason), so yea.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 134.

Schenectady Schmeckles - 131.2

A come from behind win on Monday Night may have saved Vinnie's season for the time being as Odell Beckham finally paid dividends with a huge first half to seal the victory. Aaron Rodgers didn't too much due to the Packers early lead but it was enough to propel KSK to their second win. Fresh off of trading away Eddie Lacy, they pieces acquired made immediate impact as Keenan Allen turned in another great performance while Jonathan Stewart return to form with a huge 2-TD game against a tough Seattle defense. Should Vinnie expect this each week? No, but it is a start and all this team needed was a spark. 

However, the one thing that could impede his progress (Aaron Rodgers bye) has finally occurred. This week he takes on The Super Mariota Brothers who are in a must win situation as well. No quote from Vin this week, unfortunate due to his usual comical take on his newfound bleak outlook on fantasy. Vinnie is probably gearing his team up for battle next weekend against Will and nothing can derail his preparation. Too crucial to falter now.

You all can eat shit! A big bag of shit!

The Schmeckles had a great chance to take another step towards their first playoff berth but Odell Beckham and Aaron Rodgers had other plans. His gang of Patriots put in an impressive performance but it ultimately wasn't enough. Edelman's mangled pinky and the backseat Dion Lewis took to LeGarry Blount was the reason he couldn't finish off what seemed to be another win for Schenectady. This week, Chris takes on Veto Corleone with a chance to step on the throat of the Cookie Man. Additionally, it could be double the pain for Ben as the Patriots face the Jets this weekend. A loss in fantasy and a Jets' loss could result in a very bad weekend in Cleveland. Jimmy Graham finally turned in a huge performance while Arian Foster appears to be back. A healthy lineup could present serious problems for Chris' opponents going forward.

Chris' season outlook with this guy leading his squad.

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Taco Corp over Super Mariota Brothers - 43.4 Points

Upset of the Week:

- Kissing Suzy Kolber over Schenectady Schmeckles

Most Points Scored ($10 for Week 6): 

- Taco Corp - 158.2 Points

Least Points Scored: 

- Veto Corleone - 82.6 Points

Teams losing on Monday night looking like this when they see the final score...

Taco Corp  - 158.2

Super Mariota Brothers - 114.8

Well, I'm not going to say I was right but I was completely right. Dave's team is an absolute force at this point. Every person he plugs into his lineup is producing at a high rate and Todd Gurley hasn't even played a third of the season. Once again led by Devonta Freeman, Taco Corp beat their (earnings) projections with another 150+ point output, giving Dave the highest scoring team once again. Don't spend all that money in one place brother. Anyways, DeAndre Hopkins has been the best receiver in the league while Freeman is the best running back statistically. Larry Fitzgerald is continuing his renaissance season while Alshon Jeffrey now returns from injury with a 25 point performance. He now has more players than his own good and is a few weeks away from clinching his 3rd career playoff appearance. I would not want to play this team anytime soon (I play him Week 10...) and I'm sure alot of the teams feel the same. Dave took to social media Sunday to declare his surefire chances of taking the title and when I asked him about his team he told me:

"I feel like the team I put together will go down as the greatest team ever assembled in this storied league."

Next week, Dave takes on Chreeyusz in another Dolan Drive matchup. A win would ultimately clinch a playoff berth for the CEO of Taco Corp. Will the trio of Gurley, Freeman and Hyde continue to pay massive dividends?

Most points for the week with this guy on a bye? Watch out.

Another week that Will's team posts 110+ points and it results in a loss. Two weeks in a row he has lost to the highest scoring team of the week and patience is starting to run thin at the team offices in Buffalo. Strangely enough, the Brothers are currently 4th in the league in scoring but has been plagued by brutal luck, as he has allowed 65 points more than any other team in the league. Like the Bills and Titans, Will's squad showed promise early on but has been decimated by injuries (to Marcus Mariota) and the ability to keep the other team out of the endzone. When asked for comment about his team, Will simply had this to say:

"2015 just isn't our year." 

Maybe it isn't your year Will, but stranger things have happened before. There's always the chance of being the first 1-5 team to make the postseason. Next week, the luck may be on his side as Aaron Rodgers will be gone for Vinnie and new acquisition Andy Dalton hopes to steer him towards the playoffs once his bye is over. Good Luck Whitt.

Nowhere to go but "Up" for Andy Dalton and the Super Mariota Brothers

Team New Year - 115.1

Sweet Drippins  -  91.6

Essentially in a must-win game, Yung Chreeyusz delivered as his team showed their true potential in a strong victory over Sweet Drippins. Gary Barnidge has turned into a major asset paired with Greg Olsen as Chris continues to ride the two-TE set while Mike Evans struggles. His true problem lies in his running backs but for now it appears he can get by for now on the backs of his strong young core. Allen Robinson and Jarvis Landry continue to produce while Mike Evans is waiting in the wings. If Jeremy Hill can return to 2014 form he can make a serious run to get into the postseason after all. Next week it doesn't get any easier as he takes on Dave, arguably the hottest team in football (I mean seriously, have you seen Drew Brees in those Wranglers?). Chris declined to send in a quote but I'm sure it would be filled with optimism and disdain for his current running back situation.

"Uncle" Gary Barnidge hoping to keep Chris' team afloat

It looked as though Aaron would be able to skate by at 3-1 with the injuries to his QB's but after a close lose last week, he was blown away by Team New Year to fall back to 3-3 on the season. Although Colin Kaepernick filled in nicely, the rest of his team severely let him down. Antonio Brown continues to struggle without Roethlisberger (as does Sweet Drippins) and CJ Spiller has certainly not been able to fill the void of Marshawn Lynch. With a tough matchup against Dom looming, it could turn into make or break time for Sweet Drippins if Ben isn't able to return as soon as Aaron hoped. Scoring less than 100 points each of the last three weeks has crippled his chances and one can only hope his luck turns around in Week 7.  Aaron also declined to comment but he was most likely scanning the league injury report for Roethlisberger's status to be upgraded. Knowing his luck, Colin Kaepernick was probably hit by a bus in the meantime.

Accurate representation of Sweet Drippins' current state

Destroy Him - 117.2

The Apocalypse - 62.9 

Dom is another team that is currently rolling and remains 5-1, tied atop the division with his good friend David T. Now with a trade to acquire Antonio Gates and Martellus Bennett, he is officially all in for 2015 and is looking for very strong in his first attempt at playoff football. He has now tied his franchise record for wins in a season and is looking at double digits in his breakout season. Pushing all the chips to the center is the only way to get to the championship and he has already proven that dealing away draft picks for proven talent is the right play. But will it work mid-season? Last year, he stocked up on keepers but now he just wants depth. Blake Bortles has been the real surprise, riding his hot hand to another big win while Cam Newton is still putting up big numbers on the bench. Without Forte, James Jones and Bennett this weekend, his team's true depth will need to be on display once again but Dom seems up to the task. When I asked him about his mentality for winning "now", he told me:

"No one tells their grandkids about the one time their fantasy team simply 'just made the playoffs'...Officially all-in on the 2015 Fantasy Football season."

Next week, Dom takes on Sweet Drippins with a chance to set a career-high for wins in a season...in Week 7. In 2012 and 2014 he notched 5 wins before getting edged out for a playoff spot but with a victory this weekend, he can start to plan his playoff roster.

Dom's season hinges on the continued production of this man.

After a three game win streak, Joe's team finally came back down to earth as he lost an uneventful matchup to Dom. As the dust settles, Joe is back to 3-3 and with his team (specifically Dez) getting healthier, he is poised to make a deep playoff run once again. If LeSean McCoy can continue to stay healthy, there is no reason Joe can't be a contender come postseason time. LeVeon wasn't at his best this week but Joe continues to have supreme confidence in his team on a weekly basis. The emergence of Lamar Miller is extremely promising and could create one of the best RB trios in the league. The one position that has caused problems recently is the receiver. Golden Tate hasn't shown his 2014 form and Randall Cobb has struggled besides a massive Week 3 performance. The eventual return of Dez Bryant couldn't come at a better time. When asked about his team's matchup, he told me:

"Big loss this week for The Apocalypse. Players didn't produce but this is expected. Was just trying to avoid the loss. We'll be right back on track after a victory over Josh also known as the skid mark on the underpants of the Slushie Sunday league."

Well it seems like no one is giving Josh a chance to win or any respect for that matter (I still do, Josh). A win this week will get Joe back over .500 and can create some separation from the bottom tier of the league. I'm sure Joe would love to ruin Josh's playoff chances as well.

Veto Corleone - 91.3

Prestige Worldwide - 88.6

Not only is Prestige Worldwide the first name in entertainment, they're also the first name in the division leaders (well, tied with Brian until I shock the world and upset him). An absolutely pitiful performance from a handful of players would not be denied as Andrew Luck made his triumphant return to the lineup and helped Nick pick up a huge come from behind win. Heath Miller, Melvin Gordon, Brandin Cooks, Rashad Jennings, Alfred Morris and Ravens D were collectively terrible but the combination of McManus, Sanders and Luck (great name for a law firm) carried the squad to their 3rd straight win. The return of Luck provides much needed consistency but with Emmanuel Sanders possible being sidelined for multiple weeks, Nick's impeccable management skills will be once again put to the test. His blind faith in a banged up Andrew Luck single-handedly won him this contest as he swapped him in over Sam Bradford last minute to create a big enough cushion to fend off Jordan Matthews. His team may look gross on paper still but it is the little moves made by their veteran owner that has saved the season for now. Next week, it all will likely come crashing down as Prestige Worldwide takes on Brian for sole possession of a division he has no business leading. Once again, Nick declines to comment on his current status.

DERP 4-2

As usual, Ben suffered his weekly close defeat as his guts were ripped out by Rashad Jennings and Andrew Luck on consecutive nights. He finally made the switch to Carson Palmer (which paid off) but the rest of team wasn't as easy to replace. Demaryius Thomas had another strong performance but besides CJ Anderson (for once), the rest of his team through up some duds. At 2-4, all is not lost. Ben has a history of coming back from early season struggles to make the postseason and is currently in the 9th spot tied with 4 other teams with two wins. These next few weeks prove critical with Carson Palmer as the new starter since Chris Johnson has come back down to earth and the running back depth of his team is thinner than a Runway model. He did make a big move yesterday, acquiring Jamaal Charles for his 3rd round pick. He hasn't given up on the season but he clearly wants to make it easier for 2016. In response to the mounting questions about his season's prospects, Ben told me:

"I think I've finally realized that my team kinda sucks. Still a shot to salvage things, but I'm not holding my breath. Maybe after the Broncos bye week this Sunday we can get our shit together."

Ben's future resides in the hands of this child photo (now the QB of the Cards)

Dirty Birds - 117.6

Fucking ThunderC**t - 107.9

Even with the devastating injury to Jamaal Charles, Brian was able to bounce back in a big way this weekend as he held off Josh for his fourth win of the season. Charmeleon West was kind of a dud and Knile Davis wasn't anymore successful. Steve Smith bailed out Brian yet again with a late TD catch to put the lead at a safe distance. Gronk caught his usual TD pass and even though Matt Ryan and Julio Jones weren't anything to write home about, they still produced enough to get Brian close to the 120-point mark that usually guarantees a win (unless you're Will). Brian expressed his concern with his team yesterday by saying:

"Josh was a non-factor. I'm more worrieed about my team self-destructing than anyone beating me. Two weeks, two of my starting runningbacks could be gone. Charles gone and Randle is in danger of losing his spot as well. Woof."

Tons of respect for his opponent as usual. Now, the time has come for the long-awaited Super Bowl rematch. Brian vs. Nick. Both teams are certainly not at their best right now but expect it to be another classic. No, this time Andy Dalton is not available but Andy Luck is certainly there. With Brian's RBs in turmoil, can he pull through and take a firm grasp of the division lead? Steve Smith could be the answer. Smith plays on Monday Night and will serve as the nail in the coffin for Nick's winning streak.

Josh's team is teetering on the brink. One week he's rebuilding his squad and the other he's still vying for a chance to sneak into the playoffs. Each week, it appears as though he's letting go of another piece and acquiring draft picks. This week, Andy Dalton, Antonio Gates and Martellus Bennett got the boot. As for the players in return? Ronnie Hillman. It may seem lopsided, but he acquired multiple draft picks to load up for 2016. However, as stated before, there is still hope for Team Expletive. 

"We're a team up there with William's that produces and can't get any luck. Everyone's best games come against us. We will come back stronger than ever next year."

Fresh off his 25th, Team Mommy Slut takes on his roommate in a pivotal battle that could effectively end Josh's season  At this current juncture, Josh doesn't have a QB on his roster (bold strategy Cotton), in addition to no TE as well. He'll really have to piece this one together if he wants to pull off this upset. Half of his team is bye and his best options at running back are also the Lions' best options. So if that were any indication of what to expect, godspeed Joshua.

Week 5 Recap: Dolan Drive Duo Dominates

What were the odds of this? Honestly, someone tell me. We're 5 weeks into the season and the two squads tied for the number one seed reside on Dolan Drive, and they aren't Chreeyusz or Nick (yet). Yes, you heard me, Dom and Dave, two of the league's franchises who are desperately starving for playoff football are in a great position to clinch a playoff spot this early. Two losses between them and they stemmed from when they played eachother and when Brian dropped nearly 200 points on them. Unbelievable how well these two teams are playing and it looks as though they're getting better.

 As for the rest of the league, it is tighter than a Jew's wallet for the remaining 10 positions. Two wins separate the rest of the pack and it is a sight to see. There are no more easy teams to feed off for wins at this point. Yes, teams are struggling or injury plagued but when you look at your upcoming schedules, no opponent gives you a sense of confidence as it was years before. Once again, I think it has been great for the league and we have already seen some fantastic matchups thus far. Which brings us to the matchup of the weekend, although it wasn't between two heavyweights, if you followed this one all Sunday and Monday it was wildly exciting and intense.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Prestige Worldwide - 128.1

Super Mariota Brothers - 123.7

One of the most intense matchups in the league in recent memory, this baby went down to the wire on Monday night as it was like pulling teeth trying to see which Chargers running back would be utilized at any given moment. Thankfully for Nick, it was Melvin Gordon more often than not and pulled out an impressive shootout win over Will to get back to 3-2 after an extremely rocky start. Yes, his team is still in shambles without many legitimate threats but each week he has got strong contributions from supporting players. This week, it was Doug Martin. Acquired earlier in the year, Martin paid extreme dividends posted a 36 point performance which certainly was the difference. 

Not to be outdone, a Saturday trade for Melvin Gordon supplied just enough points to get the W. Nick has been known to wheel and deal to get his team into a contender (see, 2013) but this year he still has plenty of work to do. But this is a promising start, Andrew Luck returns this week and he faces a team (Veto Corleone) that is strapped for points as much his owner is with facial hair (sorry Cooks, I know you're trying to grow that beard). Nick declined to comment once again as he's still probably trying to fathom how he's 3-2 with Rashad Jennings and Doug Martin as his starters, not to mention Slingin' Sammy Bradford who has posted 2 consecutive wins in relief of Luck.

"No comment."

Extremely tough pill for Will to swallow this week (Pharmacist pun) but he must be pleased how well his team played even without Beast Mode. DeMarco Murray finally did something to warrant his keeper status and with AJ Green and Justin Forsett playing well, it is clear that this is not a 1-4 team. This matchup could've gone differently and the same with other weeks before. At this current juncture, a healthy Marshawn should be able to steer Will towards the playoffs once again as the rest of the league is so tight. Going forward, he will face a tough decision at QB each week as Joe Flacco would have won him the matchup over Mariota. Flacco is normally throwing late in the games but Mariota has played infinitely better on a statistical standpoint. Just the conundrum of fantasy sports I guess...Will is a crafty veteran who has playoff experience (3 appearances in 4 years) and knows what it takes to get back to December. When asked about this weekend, he told me:

"This week was a heartbreaker as we were dealt our second Monday night loss. Next week, a matchup with the bright offensive mind of Dave Troiano doesn't give us the kind of positive outlook we've had previously despite the season's situation. This season looks to be an uphill battle for our squad. Props to Prestige Worldwide for making some big trades that have pushed his team to the next level."

Will's reaction to J-Force's recent play.

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Destroy Him over Kissing Suzy Kolber - 54.3 Points

Upset of the Week:

- The Apocalypse over Date Rape Bill Crosby

Most Points Scored ($10 for Week 5): 

- Prestige Worldwide - 128.1 Points

Least Points Scored: 

- Kissing Suzy Kolber - 68.5 Points

Teams pulling wins out of their asses like...

Flaming Dragon  - 84.7

The Apocalypse - 100.5

This was supposed to be the matchup of the week but shit happens. And by shit, I meant this matchup. Before Le'Veon Bell exploded in the Monday night game, neither team looked like they were going to score 100 points. Both teams were already depleted, forced to start reserve players and you could certainly tell. For Joe, it was another win on the comeback trail as his studs, Le'Veon and Eli Manning (lolz) led him to victory once again. This marks three straight wins after his disastrous start and his trade with Josh. If this win wasn't sweet enough, there are rumors that Dez has an outside shot of coming back in Week 7. It would obviously provide a massive boost to a team that is already trending up. Next week, he takes on one of the hottest teams in the league and a win would place him as a legitimate contender once again. LeSean McCoy will be coming back from injury soon and that will be a team you would not want to face. Joe declined to comment because he was probably celebrating the big 23rd B-Day with some extracurricular activities.

If there was a team that could afford a loss at this point, it would be Brian. However, the loss isn't the real narrative of last weekend's matchup. In the second half of the Kansas City game, franchise cornerstone Jamaal Charles went down with a non-contact injury that is always never good. And it wasn't. The damage is done and now Brian has lost Charles for the entire season. Thankfully, picking up Knile Davis last week and assuming he grabs Charcandrick (WTF) West on the waivers, he holds the monopoly on the Chiefs' backfield once again. Will Charmander be able to replicate Charles' production? If he can, Brian's team will not miss a beat but another injury piling up doesn't bode well for future success. When asked about his matchup, Brian said:

"3-2...could be worse. Have the tools just haven't taken the time to set the proper lineup. Already won $15 bucks for high scores. Division titles mean nothing in the league so this team just needs to play .500 ball from here on out. Also fuck Will."

Can Charcandrick West save the day for Flaming Dragon?

Team New Year - 89.8

Schenectady Schmeckles - 124.4

Patriots finally back and so is Chris' scoring ability. Tommy Brady and Edelman put the squad on his back once again and picked up another win. He is now tied with his 2014 win total and is a lock for setting franchise records in his second season. The gamble to take Brady early in the draft has paid off and so has his commitment to the rest of the Pats. Dion Lewis continues to produce at a strong rate. Including Gostkowski, the four Patriots combined for 80 points and with Arian Foster getting healthy, the Schmeckles are as dangerous as they come at this point. In addition to Foster's return, he picked up a much needed WR2 in Pierre Garcon in exchange for Melvin Gordon. As of right now, it appears his team's lineup is complete barring any injuries. Next week, Chris takes on Vinnie in an attempt to get to 4-2, which would be an amazing turnaround already after a rough rookie season. KSK is in must-win territory and Chris will need his squad to be sharp. An emotional game for the Pats against the Colts could be enough motivation already.

Don't look now but Chris is tied for 1st place

Must have been tough for Chreeyusz to root against his Patriots but this one was really over before that game started. Jeremy Hill was painful to watch yet again as Russell Wilson and Allen Robinson weren't enough to make up Chris' lack of running back depth. The slow start has put Chris in do-or-die mode at an early point in the season. He will face Will in an ever-important matchup of 1-4 teams. The loser of this matchup will most likely be watching the playoffs from their couch (actually, they'd be doing that anyways)...well, you catch my drift. No team has ever came back from 1-5 to make the playoffs. I'm just assuming actually, I'm too lazy to check it out. Chris could be running with with two tightends for the upcoming weeks as Gary "Backdoor" Barnidge is turning into a valued asset (still not as good as Heath Miller). He has a lot of young pieces but has simply been unable to crack the code for setting a strong lineup. Here's hoping the young lad bounces back.

Jeremy Hill showing his projection for next week.

Destroy Him - 117.2

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 62.9 

Aside from Dave's team, no one is rolling more than Dom is right now. Even with a few of his main cogs on bye, he prompted new acquisition TJ Yeldon and Blake Bortles into the starting lineup for 50+ points. Jags haven't put up that many points since the Brunell Era and it is just a testament to how strong of a season Dom is having. In the past, lineup decisions would cripple his team and he now has the depth to plug in anyone at a given time and dominate. Usually strapped for points, he's 5th in scoring an due to a tiebreaker, 2nd in his division with the same record as Dave. When asked about his recent successes, Dom told me:

"Step in the right direction...Have a good team in front of me for next week."

That he does. Two of the hottest teams square off in Week 6 as Joe comes to town. Cam Newton faces a tough matchup so will see Blake Bortles once again?

Bortles Service: Poise of a veteran, in addition to looking like he's 45 years old

Serious panic mode is now engaged at the KSK front office. Everyone assumed he would bounce back at some point but things are getting dire for Vinnie. Another week scoring the least amount of points and something else had to be done. He dealt TJ Yeldon and Andre Johnson last week to his opponent and they finally went off for 40 points combined as his new player Leonard Hankerson, was ineffective and is now banged up. Tuesday night, Vinnie dealt one of his prized keepers, the struggling Eddie Lacy to Josh for a decent haul (collusion?!?) in Keenan Allen and Latavius Murray. Certainly a step in the right direction but now it has to play out well on the field. Upset about last week's performance, he had this to say:

"Sometimes you go into a week with your QB as Aaron Rodgers, and the opposing QB's Blake Bortles and you feel pretty damn good about it. Then sometimes you lose."

Next week, it doesn't get easier as he faces his Lake George connection, Chris Casey in a matchup which appears to be a must win for Vinnie. Will he be able to stop the Patriots onslaught? Who knows what a defeat at the hands of Brady could do to man's psyche.

Recap of Vinnie & Dom's trade...

Sweet Drippins - 88.6

Veto Corleone - 91.3

A win for either team this week would have been monumental for various reasons. Another one that went right down to the wire, Cooks squeaked out a massive victory to avoid falling to 1-4 on the year. Regardless of the win, the Broncos trio is really starting to take its toll on team Veto Corleone. Manning wasn't able to find the endzone against an incredible Raiders defense (not sarcasm) and CJ Anderson had a masterful 40-yard performance. A loss would've probably spurred a fire sale of his assets but now he has his sights focused on the playoffs yet again. The Broncos offense has to improve at some point and Ben is poised to hold out until that day comes (please don't hold your breath because you may suffocate). However, they face Ben's second team (Cleveland) and hopefully their defense will take another week off and supply the Broncos with enough firepower to get him back to .500 against Nick. Well I certainly hope not.

Is it time for Ben to send CJ packing?

On the other side of the coin, an extremely devastating loss for Aaron. T-Mobile put up another strong game but it was his star player, Touchdown (Not with Vick at QB) Antonio Brown letting him down by only scoring single digits to thwart the comeback attempt. The Roethlisberger injury has plagued him in so many ways and the idea of picking up his 4th win already with a 3rd string QB would have made him a lock for the playoffs already. However, all is not lost...actually, yes it. Because as of yesterday afternoon, Tyrod Taylor has now been replaced by EJ Manuel due to injury and now Aaron is down to his 4th string QB. Who will he pull out of the waivers this weekend? The QB position on his lineup may as well come with a direct line to an ambulance at this point. Thoughts and prayers for whoever pulls the short straw and starts for Sweet Drippins this week. Prior to the typical QB injury, Aaron had this to say about the loss:

"Not a good week for the Drippin Boys this week. Had our chances to win. When the kicker and defense are the top scorers on your team you know it's a problem. Got hurt with the bye week. All we can hope is Big Ben comes back this week so my team can get back on track."

Preview of Aaron's next QB

Taco Corp - 120.8

Fucking ThunderC**t - 79.3

Dave is absolutely ROLLING right now. Like a freight train from hell as his hero Chazz Michael Michaels would say. Going straight up the ass of the competition. We thought his lineup was already a contender but throw Todd "Da Gawd" Gurley into the mix? Lethal. Dave's been dying to realign his draft strategy to grab Leonard Fournette but unfortunately he has to wait another year for that, so he may as well take his best shot at the title when he can. Sitting at 4-1 he is tied with Dom for the division lead while holding the crucial tiebreaker and at this point it appears as though Dave should be planning on clearing his schedule on Sundays in December because he'll be watching his team in the postseason. I asked Dave about the victory and he told me:

"Dave Troiano Life Motto #13: Act like you've been there before. Am I in first? Sure. Have I accomplished my goal yet? Absolutely not."

You have to admire the drive and ambition from this guy. A model of leadership throughout the sport. Going to be difficult when I play him to root for my team. Next week, Dave takes on Will with a chance to go to 5-1. Already surpassing his 2014 win total, it's gotta be the luck of the Irish (RIP Patches O'Houlihan). 

The real question is, has this GIF already slipped into Dave's porn rotation?

After responding to a rough start with back to back victories, Josh made a few roster blunders and was blown away by the Troiano freight train in Week 5. There were rumors that he was blowing up his team to build for next year and they came true on Tuesday. In a controversial move (not really, actually quite strategic), Josh is gearing towards 2016 by taking a flier on Eddie Lacy who is slumping to start the year. Giving up Keenan Allen may be difficult but with a healthy TY Hilton paired with Andrew Luck's return could give him a firm WR1. As for Latavius Murray, he provided some scoring early on but Josh wants to get rid of him while his stock is still somewhat high. If Lacy comes back to a fraction of 2014 form, it would be a great trade for Josh who is in need of a legitimate keeper. In regards to the loss, Josh had this to say:

"This one is a tough pill to swallow. It's my fault I didn't have my team more prepared for Taco Corp. Nobody's fault but mine I said. I'm not gonna blame them. It's back to the drawing board for next week."

Back to the drawing board indeed. He faces bitter rival Flaming Dragon and Brian certainly will not show any mercy.

The face you make when you get traded to Josh's team.

WILL GAVIN'S SEXY SIX PACK OF PICKS - WEEK FIVE EDITION

Resident Guest Picker Willy Gavin is back with his picks for Week 5. Last week, Whitt had a rough go of it in his inaugural week, only hitting 2 out of 6 matchups.

Season Total: 2-4
Last Week: 2-4

Week 5 Predictions:

Team New Year Vs. Schenectady Schmeckles:

Schenectady Schmeckles - Brady and Edelman connect early and often against Dallas to give Chris Casey a big splurge of points. Team New Year fails to break 90 points as Jarvis Landry and Greg Olsen are on bye.

The Apocolypse Vs. Date Rape Bill Crosby

Date Rape Bill Crosby - Julio Jones bounces back from last week with a 20 point fantasy outing. Eli Manning comes back down to earth and struggles to move the ball against the 49ers. 

F*cking Thundercunt Vs.Taco Corp

Taco Corp - Seattle's defense shuts down Andy Dalton, and Denver bottles up Latavius Murray. Gio Bernard hits a 50+ yard run and leads the Bengals and Dave’s team to a close win. 

Prestige Worldwide Vs. Super Mario-ta Brothers

Prestige Worldwide - Brandin Cooks finally proves his worth. Demarco Murray and Marshawn Lynch both play, but combine for less than 10 points. 

Destroy Him Vs. Kissing Suzy Kolber:

Kissing Suzy Kolber - Martavis Bryant is overlooked by the Chargers defense on Monday night, giving Vinnie a come from behind win. Blake Bortles turns in a disappointing performance.

Sweet Drippins Vs. Veto Corleone:

Veto Corleone - Jeremy Maclin turns in a 10 point, 100 yard performance to lead Ben to his second win. Aaron gets little to no production at the tight end position, with Jordan Cameron on bye.

Week 4 Recap: Extreme Parity - Slushie Sundays Edition

Undefeated teams are no longer. Winless teams are no longer either. As we all expected, this league is more balanced that recent years. Since we're doing the videos now (please watch), I'll cut down the write up just to get the main event. 

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Taco Corp - 137.9

Destroy Him - 97.5

Coming into the season, these were two teams that received a great deal of criticism after years of futility in their career. However, this year has been completely different. Last week, Dave took on Brian and for a while, he stood toe-to-toe with him for a majority of the matchup. This week, he finally knocked off the undefeated team as he went into Dom's house and threw him around. Now, Dave holds the top spot in the division based off of tiebreakers and is hoping to keep rolling as the season progresses. His career high in wins is 7 and he looks as though he's a lock to set several franchise records. Devonta Freeman once again carried Dave's squad as Drew Brees returned to put up a strong game against Dallas. If Drew Brees can stay healthy there is a strong chance Dave will be playing extremely late into the season. It is unclear if Freeman can replicate his current success but Dave will ride it as long as possible. When asked to comment on his squad, the shoe-in for Coach of the Year said:

"I'm dominating right now."

How can you not root for this guy?!? Dave's season continues next week against Josh, another one of his past rivals. Taco Corp will be out for blood.

Number one back in the league (statistically), Dave is a happy man.

The undefeated dream may have come to an end but even in an off week, Dom has to be satisfied with his roster. Last season, he eeked out most of his wins in low-scoring affairs but this is a new year. This loss now places him in a three-way tie with Aaron and Dave for first place but the fact that he's in this position already is ac testament to his strong offseason. He has proven to be able to put up points with the likes of anyone and as he keeps pace with Brian in the division race, that hyped-up matchup between the two could be the deciding factor for playoff seeding. Without much comment, Dom simply had this say when asked about the next week:

"We're on to Suzy Kolber"

Have to admire Dom channeling his inner-Belichick but it will be an extremely tough task this week without the help of Cam Newton and Adrian Peterson. A win against Vinnie would validate his strong start to the season already.

Dom looking back at the rest of the division like...

NOW, FOR YOUR WEEKLY RECAP....

Largest Margin of Victory: 

- Taco Corp over Destroy Him - 40.4 Points

Upset of the Week:

- Team New Year over Date Rape Bill Crosby

Most Points Scored ($10 for Week 4): 

- Taco Corp - 137.6 Points

Least Points Scored: 

- Kissing Suzy Kolber - 68.5 Points

Sweet Drippins - 81.4

Kissing Suzy Kolber - 68.5

CJ Spilluhhhh (Stephen A. Smith voice) had to have been Aaron's reaction of the hyugeee (Donald Trump voice) catch and run in overtime to beat the Cowboys and ultimately seal his victory against Kissing Suzy Kolber. Both teams struggled once again but a win nonetheless for a team that lost both of their prized QBs in successive weeks. Tyrod Taylor was tabbed to fill the void and underperformed against the Giants. Antonio Brown's value has severely diminished without Vick but Aaron simply has to bide time until Big Ben comes back. Picking up his 3rd win this early in the season is another big step towards making the postseason once again.

"Sneaked the win by this week. Much respect to Vin and good luck to him the rest of the week. Survive and Advance."

Next week, Aaron takes on another struggling team in Veto Corleone. The more Aaron can rack up wins with Roethlisberger injured, the better suited he is for a high playoff seed, something he has yet to accomplish in his tenure.

This GIF should sum up this matchup perfectly.

You'd be hard-pressed to find a team struggling more than KSK right about now. Even with possessing Aaron Rodgers and Odell Beckham, it has been a nightmare season just trying to get points on the board. Once again, his complimentary players did him no favors as his quote eloquently states:

"Bottom line, my team's not very good. We're top heavy, so we need the show ponies to perform to be competitive. Didn't do myself any favors this week as I left some bench points on the sidelines. But we've got a bigger gaping hole at the WR2 spot than a Kim Kardashian home movie. Each week were substantially reducing our margin of error for the rest of the season, but still confident we'll be a tough out in December."

Vinnie's message to the rest of the league.

Next week, Vinnie takes on a tough opponent in Dom. It will be interesting due to the fact that Vinnie dealt Dom his star players in the offseason. The picks Vinnie received have not produced to their potential and Team Destroy Him is rising up the standings. An upset win is what is needed to jumpstart his season.

Prestige Worldwide - 113.6

Schenectady Schmeckles - 83.6

Myself, along with everyone else did not see this performance coming from the sad sack of running backs. His usual name change switch proved successful as "Prestige Worldwide" has potentially sparked some new life in the roster (insurance: black leather gloves). The secret to the success could be Nick's relentless Research and Development, putting in the man hours to understand the science of Fantasy Football. It was a nice start but Nick can't get too excited over a few unexpected performances. I asked (myself) about the win and had to say (to myself):

"Well I won't lie I was shocked. Seeing Rashad Jennings thrown on his head earlier in the game was a fitting image for my team's current state but then I saw him streak down the sidelines to pad my lead. I won't lie to you, the living room got a little dusty as my eyes started to well up with hope. Yes, a NEW HOPE. Can this rag-tag group of misfits get me to the playoffs? I honestly do not know, but wins like this feel good and I hated the idea of being under .500 for once in my life and the new name change suits me. We're a small upstart company (Prestige Worldwide) and we're certainly looking for investors to "buy low". So yes, please send me your players and fantasy buy-in money. Investors? Possibly YOU!"

The depleted Schmeckles fought as hard as they could but it just wasn't enough this weekend. Arian Foster's return will provide a spark for the upcoming weeks and with losses to Brian and Dom, he remains only one game off the pace for 1st place in the division. Chris was unavailable for comment but I'm sure it would simply be a reminder that the Patriots have already had their bye week and now the rest of the league will have to face the wrath of Brady. Tied for 2nd in the division right now, he's hoping to get back to his winning ways against Chreeyusz in order to match last season's win total.

Chris' lineup with Foster in addition to all those Patriots...

The Upper Deckers - 88.9

Fucking ThunderC**t - 104.5 

What a return on the trade for Randall Cobb already. Keenan Allen scored once again, TY Hilton appears to have regained his old form and Ameer Abdullah has been a breath of fresh air to compliment Latavius Murray. With Ryan Tannehill and the Dolphins struggling (Fuck you Dorpheeen!), Andy Dalton (Slushie Bowl III MVP) has been picking up the pace is on pace for a Top-5 season at QB. 

"I really like the direction our team is headed right now. We showed the critics who picked us to lose by 30 why we're a team to be reckoned with. We still have plenty of work to do to face the powerhouse Taco Corp this week but I know our boys are excited more than ever. Thank you for your time. God Bless."

Josh faces one of his former rivals (still may have some tension) in Taco Corp this weekend. Dave is well aware that Josh has previously voted for his team to be banned from the league and we know that is bulletin-board material for the offices at Taco Corp.

"KEEEENANNN!!"

Another rough one from the Upper Deckers. They're currently playing like the true meaning of the name (a shit in the water tank of the toilet, if you weren't aware). Will's team got a nice boost from Justin Forsett but the loss of Marshawn Lynch did him in once again. I asked resident Dr. James "Jimmy" William Gavin about his team's play and he told me:

"Very unhappy with the state of my team at the current moment. We have fallen short the last few weeks despite solid team performances, but this week was really discouraging. My superstars have been anything but this season (cough, DeMarco Murray). A team name change to rebrand the organization may be in store this week so keep your eyes peeled."

Next week, Will unveil's his new team name (spoiler alert, it's the Super Mario-ta Brothers) and hopes to recapture his winning ways. However, a team in the form of Bowser (fat joke) stands in his way as he plays Nick in what is a pivotal for both franchises. A win gets Will some breathing room but a loss could put him behind the 8-ball for a potential playoff berth.

Marshawn's (and Will's) playoff preview if his back doesn't heal...

The Apocalypse - 96.1

Veto Corleone - 94.8

Is Joe back? Yes, Joe's back. After another rough start to a season, Joe has found a way back to .500 already and has his team in prime position to get back into the upper tier of the Slushie Sundays league. Yes, his team only squeaked out a win this weekend but he's also missing one of his big guns in LeSean McCoy. Karlos Williams has been a nice improvement but even he's banged up this week. Randall Cobb didn't need to do much against the Niners but he has the capability to carry Joe's receiving core. Yesterday, he made another splash by dealing Frank Gore (his unsung hero for the week) for Lamar Miller. Only problem is that he's on a bye. When he talked about his team, Joe had this to say:

"Any week I score under 100 points it's panic time. Injuries are catching up and the free agents list is looking slim to none for starting talent. Just barely squeaked out a victory Veto (Ben) and next on the list is Date Rape Bill Crosby (Brian). I will never count myself out but with neither McCoy or Williams fully guaranteed of health to play, I'm not excited to see the probable outcome this time next week."

Next week, Joe has his toughest test of the season against Brian. To prove that his team is truly "back", he will need a very strong showing, led by his workhorse, Le'Veon Bell.

Joe's reaction to Golden Tate's final reception Monday Night.

After a miraculous comeback last week, Veto couldn't muster up anymore magic against Joe this week. CJ Anderson once again was completely useless while. Golden Tate really gave him a run for his money but at the last second, he hauled in a 20-yard pass to seal the loss for the Cookie Man. Ben Fontana figured to use his good friend Mike Pettine's own words to express his frustration but at the same time, wanted to inspire hope in his squad.

"Clearly a frustrating finish. The guys were out there battling at the end...I'm proud of them. We made too many mistakes, penalties, missed assignments here and there...You can't do that against a quality quarterback like that ...It's a loss. We're 1-3. We own that. We're going to do what we know how to do: Bunker in and get back to football." - Mike Pettine" - Ben Fontana

He has an excellent shot of getting back on track this week as he faces a depleted roster of Sweet Drippins. The trio of Broncos have a favorable matchup against the Raiders defense (sigh) and hopefully CJ Anderson can do SOMETHING.

Bruh: The CJ Anderson 2015 Story

Date Rape Bill Crosby - 74.4

Team New Year - 92.6

Just the massive upset Chris was looking for. Although his team didn't play great, they gutted out a huge victory. His team is still struggling but he'll take this win more than anything as this current juncture. Should've seen the look on the kid's face as he knew that he sealed the deal for win #1. Now, after a very rocky start, he's only two games out of the top spot and is tied with three other owners who sit at 1-3. Russell Wilson continues to play incredible while young talent like Allen Robinson and Jeremy Hill are truly starting to pay dividends this year. Next week, Lil Chreeyusz faces division opponent the Schenectady Schmeckles in a chance to move up the ladder in the AFC.

3 TDs this week for Jeremy. What does he have in store for an encore?

I guess you can call this one the "Chris Ivory Game". Brian wasn't able to get up quick enough to plug him into his lineup instead of Matt Jones (BUST). Thus, one of the main reasons for his first loss of the season. However, at full strength, his lineup remains one of the most feared in the league, if not the most. Sitting at 3-1, B-Rye is tied for the division lead with his newfound rival (and competition) Dom and has to remain the odds on favorite for winning the title. I asked Brian about the first loss of the year and he had this to say:

"I thought I'd be more upset but then I realized it's about the end game. The repeat. Time to get back on track. Also, congrats to Chreeyusssszzz on his first win."

An interesting strategy from Brian, modesty and graciousness in defeat. I was surprised, I was expecting scorched Earth in his quote but he realizes that he has to keep a cool head and have his eyes on the prize.

Falcons are 4-0, Brian's 3-1. It's all good.